A letter to loU from loU!

2022 sending YOU all the LOVE x

There I am….in the middle of two of my best friends Claire and Lorraine who are still my best friends…I was about seven years old in this photo….Thankfully I’m still smiling.

Hi  LoU,

How are you doing? I think…actually scrap that…. I know…. how you’re doing….you’re doing pretty good….I’m writing you this letter to remind you of how well 2022 has gone for you…I really want you to remember this time in years to come but particularly on days in your future that you might have forgotten the positives or if you’re struggling to find the light in your day, this letter might help you recall this chapter in your life.

2022 has been a transformative year for you. You began the year ‘shattered’ mentally, physically and emotionally but particularly your heart was in a mess. Your heart was actually all over the shop and even though you had coped very well with the loss of Granny, you were struggling to know what you were to do now that you had lost your everything…. you had lost you reason for being in many ways…. you had lost who you were and you were now facing an open block of time, going from having no time for yourself to having nothing but time. It was not a nice place to be but it was the result of you loving and caring for someone who mattered to you & somewhere within that thought, it kept you afloat because your ‘no regrets’ policy had not failed you in life up to this point and you were sure that was case in this moment too…..

Also you believe very strongly that ‘What is for you, won’t pass you’ so again you leaned into your own belief system of old and you knew within your broken heart, everything would work out ok once you held strong to the idea that fate would provide…The beginning of this year was rough….It was the first year that Gran was not in the world and for anyone that knows the grief story, that is not a nice feeling…Also becoming a full time carer in a pandemic was not in your plans of life so the feeling was very much like being in a car crash of sorts, being tossed out on the other side and not knowing who you were but not even recognising your surroundings. I still remember you saying out loud in a landslide of tears ‘Who am I now? Who do I belong to? Who cares for me now that I have nobody to care for?’

It was a really traumatic time in your life and you knew it….Even though you kept your head, your heart knew it was going to have to work really really hard to find its feet once again….Three years of being completely focused on someone else’s every need was a very long time. And during that period, there is no doubt about it, everyday, every minute, and every second that passed, you had to let go more and more of yourself and you did exactly that. In those letting go moments for you, you were choosing Gran, and for that, the reward was greatest in that your attention, focus and ultimate commitment was for Gran to live happily, healthily and with good humour all around her in her own home until her dying day. Gran had become your life and somewhere within that commitment, you had chosen the road less travelled but as you know, this is who you are Lou! The memories you made together were also multiplied because you too smiled from ear to ear as you became closer and closer to someone who mattered to you, someone you loved and isn’t that what life is all about? To be able to help someone who needed your help and in this moment in your life, you could step into that space. Yes the times spent in lockdown and right up to Gran’s passing were not easy, you will forever keep some of those darker memories inside you for the rest of your life and only your inner circle know what they are. There were many moments of real stress and worry when you were alone which will always be inside you. The long nights and days where Gran hallucinated from frequent chest infections….The all too often nights you lay you mattress on the floor beside her bed….The nights…the long, long night of horrendous loneliness that left you wanting to give up time after time and just go home… Only God witnessed what you experienced and there is no doubt all those in Heaven saw the anguish, worry and fear that you faced on numerous occasions when Gran was unwell…..

The main thing I’m here to remind you though is that you never gave up no matter how hard it got, no matter how much you thought you wanted to give up….you NEVER EVER gave up on Gran and your story and sacrifice of being a full time carer was a choice you made with the fullness of your heart and this was the most important part of your magical relationship. This is why your story has now led you to 2022.

The beginning of the year was tough but in your spontaneous process of taking the long table from the back kitchen and placing it in Gran’s bedroom, you made a choice Lou. You chose that you were going to write the life story of Gran that you knew you held inside. You took it on and even though it caused you so much pain, hurt, tears and horrendous loneliness, you kept going, word by word until the nineteenth of September when you completed your first book and you re lit the bright light of of Granny’s life once again in a very special way. You completed this book not only due to your own commitment, sacrifice (once again- it’s  a theme in your life if you might have noticed) and intense dedication to reach the end, but you did it because you knew the story of Granny could help others. You knew it could shine out a bright light to those who might be surrounded by darkness and you also knew you carried the light of Granny Nancy in you. On the morning that Granny died, you felt something exchange between you. You were not afraid as she let go of your hand. You spoke of how you felt a peace and a serenity pass from Gran into you and since that day, you have felt changed by the loss of Granny in a most spiritual way. A way you can’t explain. Your heart filled with the magic of her life as she passed to Heaven and you felt ever fibre of it. I want you to never forget this moment because this is the moment that filled a gap inside your heart where loneliness once sat, where self doubt once lived, where fear once spoke but on the morning that Gran left, she took those aspects from your heart and replaced them with the serenity and peace she carried up to that moment. This moment also reminded you that her special gift was now inside you. It was always there actually, you just didn’t fully believe in your own light.

See Granny saw it in you. She saw it in you as a child. She saw it in your as a teenager. She saw it in you when you passed your driving test. She saw it in every time you walked in her front door to visit at all stages of your life. She saw it in every cup of tea you made for her. Gran knew what your potential was and she believed in you and that is why she chose YOU to close out her days on this earth with. Nobody can ever take that away from you Lou and you must not forget that! That is why you were the one she chose to move closest to….Granny knew exactly what she was doing and even though you didn’t think you knew what you were doing, somewhere within the spirit of YOU, you too were making all the right moves, aligning with your own stars, following your heart, being you Lou. And this is all WHY you were meant to witness her story and be the most observant witness to who Granny Nancy was and then have the communicative gift to be able to share it with the world. You have done that in 2022 and you will continue to do that into 2023 and for the rest of your life. I want you to remember the grief that you endured as well as the joy you experienced during 2020 and 2021 and then into 2022, they were all worth it and most importantly they were all part of how your life was meant to work out. See your life has been building to this moment. HOW DO I KNOW? Because I know YOU. I know what very special magic has happened for you this year in 2022. I have witnessed, experienced and seen the serendipitous moments you have shared with people you love and who love you. I have witnessed the signs you have received - rainbows, butterflies and endless messages from Heaven that not only were seen by you but by people you love. These were NOT accidents. These are the signs you asked for before Gran let go of your hand and they were all sent for a reason. To remind you to keep going, to keep being you, to keep smiling, to keep loving and most importantly to keep looking UP!

I see you every time you look up to the sky Lou. I know how important the sky is to you. I know you have been gazing up at the sky all your life. Since you were a child you loved the sky but it was the bitter suffering and torture that you witnessed your dad go through as you minded him that shifted your openness to what the sky offers you. You needed to know there was somewhere beyond this world and thankfully the sky offers you that insight into what it might be like. You love the sun. You love the big wide open blue skies. You love the clouds. You love how they change shape. You love how they move so fast. And then so slow. You even love the dull grey clouds. You understand that they too have a place in the world. The grass would not be so green in Ireland without those grey rain filled clouds. Just like the tears that fall from your eyes when you are hurting, they too play a part in the big picture Lou. The tears allow the pain to leave your heart and have given you an opportunity to grow and heal. Just like the rain falling from the sky. The grass grows and as you have witnessed Lou, all the many beautiful rainbows that appear when you needed them most and what is more beautiful than that Lou. The signs from way beyond those rainbows have been telling you over and over, you’re doing good and all will be well in the end…..This is why you must never forget the year that was 2022 Lou.

In amongst all your tears, you found so many rainbows, in amongst so many dark moments, you stepped outside to the quiet of the night, on your own, and you looked up. You saw the moon looking down at you and the many millions of stars sparkling just for your attention. You have picked yourself out of the darkness of grief and lollies on so many occasions Lou and you have remained true to your own belief system and you have looked up. You have prayed for so many others, so many you know and so many you don’t and those prayers never go unheard. Can you imagine if all the people we love are those lights in the dark skies looking down at us and are listening. Can you imagine how many people have heard you pray for others and in times you prayed for you too. That is a good balance. It’s important that we know that we are not an endless resource for others alone. That we too have to mind ourselves too. And that is why you believe and have continued to live your life through the means of reaching out, finding the people who align with your kind heart and you have brought them closer to you. They have stepped in closer to you because they see what I see. You see what I see in them too. We see lights of love. We see lights of shining hope. And this is what you need to remember going forward in your life.

You need to keep looking up. You need to keep leaning in. You need to keep loving those people who love you and who you love. It’s not a complicated method. It’s very simple really and you know that. Why do you know that? Because Granny Nancy knew that you like her, would continue to live the life in which worked. A simple life filled with love and light. And yes darkness will always move around us all. Darkness, loss, sadness and stress will always feature in this world and in our worlds but you know that. Because that is why you look at the moon and the stars. In the darkness moments of the natural world you are out there looking up to remind yourself that no matter the darkness we can and will cope once we just keep going. Keep moving step by step. Morning by night and night by morning.

2022 has been an amazing year. Yes it has had its deeply dark moments. You have lost a lot of really good people to the next life. You have stood at many gravesides. You have stood with people who are broken. You have helped them feel less broken. You are good at holding space for people particularly when they feel lost. You have felt broken yourself many times. You have cried tears that nearly consumed you but you didn’t give up. You didn’t hold back the tears. You have felt all your feelings and you don’t hide how you feel inside and that is an important trait not to lose in yourself. You didn’t give in when grief was trying to take you down. Instead you let it knock you down and then when you felt strong enough, you got back up. Always get back up Lou!

You wanted to quit writing the book a million times …and then a million more time you wanted to walk away but you didn’t…. Your family…. your amazing mam Olive (Ollie as everyone is now calling her), your sister Claire, your best friends Denise, Martha, Lauren, Tracy, Sid, Linda, Marian, Ursula, Lorraine, Claire and so many more never gave up on you. They held you together when you wanted to fall apart. They put you back together when you fell apart. They believed in the book and most importantly they believed in you.

Your Facebook Family stood forward in a way no words will ever explain. Only you and them know the magic you have together. You met so many of them in real life this year. You love, laugh and live together virtually and in real life now and this is a very special relationship that nobody can ever take away from you Lou! These people are another magical extension of the love you give away so easily and as you love them, they love you. You have published and toured your very first book this year. 2022 has been a transformative year for you Lou. I need you to read this line and believe it too. This is your first book of many. You said out loud in front of 250 people ‘I AM A WRITER’. You needed to own this statement and you did and not only that, you are now inspiring others to believe in themselves too. Never forget the power of one light. And never forget the gift you have inside you.

2023 is the next natural step in this transformation but you NEED TO BELIEVE IN YOU LOU! You need to believe in you! I know you are scared. I can say that here. Because all through 2022 you have been scared too and look what you have achieved. Fear is natural. Fear is part of our emotions and when you are stepping into the unknown, it’s scary. The clouds are scared being so high in the sky but they just believe in themselves and float on by. The sun, the moon and the stars face their own fears I’m sure too but they continue to shine. You must do that too. This letter is written to you Lou and to you the reader to remind you that we are all the same. We are afraid of things in this life. We are afraid of what will go wrong and even sometimes afraid of what will go right but we must press on. We must try our very best Lou to fulfil why we were put on this earth. Many families will finish 2022 with an empty seat at their table. Many people who thought they had years left to fulfil their dreams and push through their fears did not get this opportunity. Life is not a given for any of us. Health is not given either. LoU you are healthy and you are happy as 2022 comes to an end. I want you to take this bright light that many see in your smile and continue to shine it outward and of course lean on it inside too. We are not here for long, we are all just passing through so continue on your fateful journey on this earth and be YOU.

We love you and you love us. You have threaded the road of darkness, grief and loss and you have survived, thrived and you are now a beacon of hope, love and light to so many. Continue shining and we look forward to shining with you.

From 2022 with love,

See you at the end of 2023 LoU!!!

The older wiser and smiling LoU x