Begin

.....again

There is a wonderful poem by the legendary Irish man Brendan Kennelly and it goes a little like this,

Begin again to the summoning birds
to the sight of the light at the window,
begin to the roar of morning traffic
all along Pembroke Road.
Every beginning is a promise
born in light and dying in dark
determination and exaltation of springtime
flowering the way to work.
Begin to the pageant of queuing girls
the arrogant loneliness of swans in the canal
bridges linking the past and future
old friends passing though with us still.
Begin to the loneliness that cannot end
since it perhaps is what makes us begin,
begin to wonder at unknown faces
at crying birds in the sudden rain
at branches stark in the willing sunlight
at seagulls foraging for bread
at couples sharing a sunny secret
alone together while making good.
Though we live in a world that dreams of ending
that always seems about to give in
something that will not acknowledge conclusion
insists that we forever begin.

For me, this poem represents it all. Life from start to finish & then life from finish to start. It’s Monday once again, a day that signals an opportunity to begin again as Brendan Kennelly would beautifully say. Last Thursday I made the spontaneous move to take a break from own life while drenching myself in the blissful heavenly surroundings of the wonderful Abbey Glen Castle Hotel in Clifden. If you’ve never been to Clifden, just to put you in its location, it is three hours west of my own home and hangs gracefully & beautifully off the ragged cliff edge of the West of Ireland where it looks out to the wild and wondrous Atlantic sea. From start to finish I had a really much needed healing escape. I’ve been in a lot of hotels in my life but nothing quite like the experience I’ve had over the last few days. The only way to describe it is, as I walked out the door yesterday there were nearly more staff saying goodbye to me than there were guests in the castle…..It was an unreal feeling to be noticed & embraced by people who knew I was just passing through their lives….As I say that now, I guess that’s not wholly true, because I feel they know as well as I do, that I may have passed through for now but I will most certainly be back. The words of one of the waiters as I left “Don’t be a stranger to us now Lou. Come back soon.” I really felt like I was at home in the Abbey Glen & I now know if I ever feel overwhelmed by life or my grieving takes a hold of me, I will be setting off on my three hour journey back home to the West where I know I’ll be met with a warm hug & many friendly faces. The location is magical and so were the staff & I’m so grateful i found this place right at this moment in my life. Thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart; Ronan, Brian, Paul, John Noel, John, Monika, Grainne, Kathleen, Lorraine & to the many lovely people I met.

This is a photo of myself and a lady called Mary.…..We encountered each other at the bar of the Abbey Glen…Mary was just popping in for a few minutes break from life after spending a number of hours studying her notes as she trains to become a psychotherapist …We got chatting & instantly I liked Mary. A lovely gentle soul with obvious traits of kind words and smiles being her default position in life. A random stranger who I could clearly sense was a really good person with a very soft heart. I was thrilled when Mary agreed to accompany me to dinner upstairs in the restaurant…I had a table booked for one…but as Paul the barman stated ‘ Louise is your friend joining you?” in which I replied, “Well Mary I think you deserve a treat today” and off we went….Ten minutes chat at the bar & up to dinner we headed. From there on out, all we did was laugh and laugh and laugh at the table….Mary is her mam’s full time carer & if anyone deserved a spontaneous treat in life, it’s definitely this woman so when we found ourselves looking out at the beautiful view of Clifden Bay from the table which was specifically booked for me by Paul, the lovely barman….we both looked at each other and said, this was meant to be. I shared with Mary my story as a carer & she shared hers. We instantly recognised a similarity in each other. To add to the magic of the moment, I then went on to tell Mary that I knew Granny had sent me on this break. I explained how on my long car journey down to here, only one thing stood out on my travels, and that was a big yellow road sign which read ‘Nancy’s Hair Salon’….I said to myself as I passed it, ‘Thanks Gran, I needed to know you were here with me'. As I shared this story, Mary started to laugh, she said you won’t believe this Louise, ‘That where I live. Just down by Nancy’s Hair Salon & that’s where my mam gets her hair done’. Well, what were the chances, a million, zillion to one maybe. Me & Mary were so meant to meet & again I was reminded that nothing thats ever for you, will pass you. We just have to keep the faith. Thank you Mary for being adventurous and stepping into the bar & being doubly adventurous & joining me for dinner! You just never know when you’re going to make a new friend or as Brendan Kennelly would say, begin again.

Brendan Kennelly’s poem really hit a chord with me today. I guess the reason behind that, sits within the fact that often beginning again can be scary. It can be frightful in so many ways to begin life again. Beginning again can mean a lot of different things to many people. For some people they love beginning again. There are people who we all know who seem to find it hard to settle in life so they seem to be beginning again quite often. For others, they like to remain the same the whole time & rarely seem to begin again. And somewhere in the middle I think I sit. In parts of my life I think I’m quite good at beginning again & in others I know I’m weak & maybe I even let myself down. But overall I come back to the same point, which is, once you are trying, you are doing just fine. Once you are making an effort where you can, you will eventually reach your new start & your new start might just lead you to another new start. You will begin again when you feel you can begin again. Sometimes it’s nice to stay in places of comfort & there is nothing wrong with that. There are lots of people in this world that never find peace & contentment so this is my reminder to you, that you are doing great. Life is tricky and it’s a real up and down roller coaster for us all. Some days we win and some days we lose. But don’t you worry, everything will be ok I promise. And we are all in the same boat, heading down the same stream of life. Sometimes we feel we could take on the world and the next day a feather could take us down. And that’s ok. That means you’re normal. That means you’re living. That means you’re feeling. That means you’re alive. And that means your heart is exactly where it needs to be. Today you might feel like lying on the ground and never getting up again. But you will. The sun will set on today and tomorrow you will begin again. How do I know that? Well I know you. And I know me. And we can do this. We can fall and then we will rise again. When the winds are taken from our sails in life, we need time to breathe, we need time to think, we need time to feel, and then, and only then will we be able to begin again.

Be kind to yourself. You are doing great. And I’m so proud of you. You are an amazing human. Just like the random stranger who then became my friend called Mary, you are the reason I can begin again.

Much love and loads of light,

From my heart to yours,

Keep beginning,

You have so much more to offer in life,

And wonderfully, this world has so much more to offer you,

Lou & Winnie x

PS. Thanks so much for reading this Monday letter & thank you for all your kind words & comments since I started this Substack. You are my inspiration! Xx

PPS. This Substack was not only brought to you by Winnie typing it out but by my covid filled lungs so hopefully it still made sense while sharing from my bed. Much love, Lou xx