Following my light through the dark...
Losing, learning and loving.
Dearest Substack family,
I write to you to check in on you. I hope you are keeping well. I hope life is being kind to you. I hope life is being gentle to you. I hope if things are heavy at this time that this letter reminds you of the strength you carry inside you. I can see your bravery. I can feel your energy of love, kindness and faith. I can hear your soft words of compassion towards others and in this letter I remind you to reflect them inwards towards yourself too.
In life, it is so important to keep our eye on the word ‘balance’ as we move through our days on this earth. To love and to be loved. To show kindness to others and to show kindness to ourselves. To hold faith, light and belief for others to help them see their way forward and for you to hold those features in your inner world too.
Recently I finished my second semester/course in Philosophy. We finished up with our class last Wednesday night and I have to say, I’ve never felt so lucky. I’ve spend six month studying the great philosophers of our time and I’ve loved every second of it. I very luckily found my teacher/lecturer and friend William, by pure fate - a random google search- and up his name popped - at the beginning of January - bringing one of the most important inspirational people into my life at such an important moment in my life and just when I needed him.
I speak endlessly to anyone who will listen to me haha ;) about fate and believing that everything that is for you won’t pass you and in this instance, thank god I was reminded of my own belief system and in arrived William to my life. I didn’t know he was going to become such an integral part of my life, my mind, my morals, my teachings, my lessons, my value systems, my thoughts about the world and about the people I meet, I look at everyone the same yet differently now and I myself am the same but I am totally different to when I first met William. Most importantly he has helped me further heal and also has helped me to love myself more while also playing a great part in reminding me that I am doing a good job at trying to be a good human in this world and that I am enough in every way and in everyday. His arrival into my world was perfectly timed. The first part of 2024 has been particularly testing for me personally and professionally. I have had a wonderful successful couple of years as a writer and I now know this is only my beginning. I have found you and so many readers and supporters of my work that I am excited to return to my full time focus on my creative journey when that faithful door opens to me. But while I wait for that moment to present itself, I continue to focus on my family who need my attention, love and faith at this time and I am grateful to my higher power for once again redirected me to where I need to be. I Louise Coghlan will always pick the people I love when they need my help and because of William and his teachings this year in my life, I now have been reminded that I must always stay true to who I am even if others do not understand me. I am me. I love my people and I will always stand forward when they need me even if that means me taking a step back from what I love myself. I have been once again reminded life is long but time is short with those who matter and no amount of opportunities or ‘things’ will replace the love that is felt in my heart by taking the hand of those who need mine. Spending focus on the words and thoughts of the many philosophers of times gone by such as Marcus Aurelius, Epicurus, Epictetus and so many artists & inspirational writers that William has introduced me has not only opened my heart and mind but it has affirmed exactly what I needed to hear this year. And that was that I am a good human and even though bad things happen I try my best to meet them with heart, compassion and kindness and sometimes bad things need strength, bravery and an application of resilience and focus too. I have found my path to me once again through this course and through the many lovely people I have met this year and through YOU -my readers, my dedicated supporters and my inner circle of believers of what I bring to the table of life. I will never forget you for staying right beside me through this transformative quiet yet testing time of my life. I hope my writing will reap the rewards of the learning I am gaining through the lessons I am sitting with. Also through this time, I have been reminded that that I am indeed a philosopher, a healer, a deep thinker, an intense lover of others and a somewhat unique human, and my writing life will always be here for me as it is deeply entangled in who I am. You, my dear reader, are travelling with me through the dark and light of my life and yours too and we will never be separate in any way. That is indeed the magic of finding each other as we have, and sitting with each other through the transformative somewhat testing stages of our lives. Together we travel. Together we learn. Together we love, live and laugh. Tears will fall but I will be here to help you wipe them dry as you will be here for me.
My life over the last decade has been quite the rollercoaster and I guess that is why my undertaking of my philosophy studies along with finding a mentor this year has been instrumental. A number of people in my inner circle along with my amazing Facebook family and Substack family have guided me forward when I could not see my step and as the midpoint of the year presents itself, I feel very drawn to reflect on my life. Grateful and aware, forgiving and hopeful. Scared yet brave. Loving yet at peace. Searching, learning and most definitely aware that life will never stop throwing crap at me but becoming stronger each day I show up and knowing I can now look it in the eye, lose what or who needs losing, accept what or who needs accepting but most importantly once I remain true to me, I will not look back on my time on earth with regret but with peace that I was me and love in my heart that I gave away without condition but with passion. My heart is who I am, my mind is who lights the way and Lou is who I want to stay.
The last decade has been a test in so many ways while providing me with so many moment of love, joy and have carved me into the person I am today.
For 3 years I cared for and unconditionally and intensely loved my grandmother - sleeping on a fold out bed in the kitchen day in day out…Two of those three years while locked in during the pandemic and even though I hold no regrets, only the greatest love for my grandmother and grateful i could help and care for someone I loved so dearly, her departure left me broken. I had become a full time carer overnight in 2018 and as the year 2021 ended, I found myself lost as to who I was. Granny passed in September of that year and for the following three months I slept on her armchair unable to sleep in my fold out bed nor leave her home. My grief and pain was enormous, I felt very alone and very isolated from knowing who I was without her and during that Christmas I was unsure if I could survive this blow to my heart and to my being. Butterflies, robins, feathers and an beacon of moonlight shone down on me as I lay on gran’s cottage floor broken in a million pieces it was in that moment that I faced one of my hardest battles. Life will indeed knock you down eight times, but it’s the getting up the ninth time that is the hardest. This was my second big blow of intense grief I had experienced and I really did not know if I would recover from the pain in my chest and the emptiness in my heart. To those who grieve as you read this, I am with you in every tear you shed, in every thought you have, in every doubt you hold but mostly I am with you as you stand back up. We stand back up together stronger and onwards we go.
My previous heartbreak was when my dad died in August 2014. What seems like a lifetime ago but it is as vivid in my mind as if it was only yesterday. It was the kind of death I hope I never witness ever again in my lifetime. On the day my dad died, my family broke in ways I will never be able to explain. Dad departed and on that day, parts of my family left too, that one could never prepare you for. I always say, we were all in the car that cancer crashed as my dad died and none of us came out of it the same we went in. Most of us healed eventually but not all of us sadly. My father died of rapid lung cancer- the absolute terror in the cancer world. Lung cancer is beyond describing when it comes to the anger it imposes within a persons body. If you know, you know. My father was given the opposite passing to my grandmother when I think about it. She lived a long magical life - pain and heartbreak were indeed a huge feature of Gran’s life - but thankfully her body & mind were beautifully healthy all the way until her 108th year.
Dad was 63, diagnosed in May 2014, and from there on he screamed his way all the way out of this world in the August of that year. Mam and myself became his full-time carers as I had enough freedom with my work that allowed for me to step in close to them both.
When I brought dad to a hospital appointment in May of that year to try see where the pain in his back was coming from, I never expected the lady doctor to close her office door and begin that fatal sentence that none of us want to hear ‘I’m so sorry to tell you this but Joseph, you have a rapid form of lung cancer and it’s not good news I’m afraid.’ Thoughts and images of my life to that point raced through my mind…..Five minutes ago my dad was out in his dairy parlour whistling while he milked his beloved animals and all of a sudden I was feeling like the adult in the situation as his world fell apart in a sentence of twenty words from a woman I have never seen before. My mam was with us and she and him both fell physically down in their seats. Neither able to believe what they were hearing. It was in that moment, something inside me stood forward. I can’t explain what it was but it sounded something like this ‘Lou this is your moment. This is who you are. Darkness is here. Be the light. Say what needs to be said and then stand in beside those who need you and use your gift that lies in your heart for the good.’
I have to be straight with you, up to that moment I was after being living a very good life for thirty years. I was travelling the world, out at gigs all over the country, had been very fortunate with work and my career and was indeed living my best life in every way.
From that moment on, things changed for me and I never looked back. I was everywhere my dad and my mam needed me. I did what needed doing. I slept in every chair in every hospital. I showered in the staff quarters and started my day with the nursing staff changing shift. I stayed up all night with my dad as he was so scared of the hospital and the pain. Oh the pain he suffered was beyond belief. The top doctors tried to help my dad but nobody could help him. His cancer was angry and for some reason it attacked one of the softest kindest human’s I had ever known and I could do nothing to help him only be by his side and hold his hand.
My mam would eventually give in to her deprivation of sleep in her chair and I would stay awake with my dad as the night time was the worse time for his pain. I would repeatedly whisper to him ‘everything is going to be ok.’. In my words I gave him hope that my heart genuinely knew was not real but I did what needed to be done and ever since has served me well. Even though the odds were totally against my dad, my light in the dark was all I could offer. I watched my father follow in the steps of Jesus, crown of thorns on his head, bare chest with pain pulsing through every vessel as he screamed for help. It was indeed one of the toughest things I have ever had to witness and even though i wished he did not have to go through that, it taught me an invaluable lesson. Life is endlessly unfair to those who are unconditionally kind, loving and faithful. My dad did not deserve this pain and if I’m honest I did not deserve to be the witness nor my family but it was through that darkness that a lesson was being given to me.
You might be thinking to yourself, well Lou what is it? Well it was that through that pain I realised life was not all flowers and freedom. Life is hardship and heavy. It does not choose who it picks. Sadly life just happens and it is up to us how we react. We can respond with kindness & love in our hearts and an outstretched hand towards another or we can retreat and run away. We can hide, we can stand back, constantly shifting our mask. But no matter what, darkness, loneliesss, grief and even death will reach us.
I am on a path of learning and loving. I am on a path of learning and living. I am on a path that I hope I will always choose love and kindness no matter what happens to me. I hope I will always write. I hope I will always dig deep and open my thoughts out onto the page without doubt nor boundary. I hope I will always laugh. I hope I will always show compassion to others and compassion to myself. I hope I will lose those who are not contributing to my balance nor theirs. I hope i will never choose selfishness over sacrifice. For me, sacrifice leads me to exposing versions of myself that I want a light to shine on. Darkness, hardship and even deep loss has brought me diving into the most fragile parts of me. I have shifted my soul. I have reengaged my inner self in ways that could only have moved with the help of the hard days and equally because of the good people who have stepped close to me during those days. I have a faith beyond this life, beyond this world while I have a love for the landscape, my home, my fellow travellers of this path and I want to share my lessons with you, my reader.
William Wray has influenced me greatly this year and I don’t even know does he know to the extent he has. I tell him often and he very kindly invited me to London to speak at the school of Philosophy in March so I guess he too sees the light of learning that is flowing from my soul this year.
I’ve been blessed with so many amazing people in my life. I will not wait until the end of my life to tell them that. My grandmother and my father were wise in ways I will never be able to express and when it comes to my mam Ollie, she is the human expression of the peace I wish to always carry inside me and for me she is undoubtedly the most inspirational person I could ever get to witness on this earth. She has faced many battles nobody will ever know about and she has remained entrenched in giving unconditional love and light to everyone she meets. I hope I am even an fibre of the woman she is and I hope my Gran and my Dad along with all my stars in Heaven can see me looking up to them every night. I say my prayers and speak to them on numerous occasions during the day and and with an unwavering faith in the sky from sunrise to sunset, I hope the second part of this year brings continued light to my ways and that I lean further and further into who I am. Many battles lie ahead, but many many happy memories and bundles of love do too so onwards we go.
Keep shining bright. Keep learning. Keep leaning in. Keep looking up.
Love and loads of it from my heart to yours,
Thanks for reading my letter and thanks for being a subscriber of my words.
My heart thanks yours,
Lou x
l’d be so grateful if you might share, subscribe to my writing home. Thanks so much for sticking with me and for being here….Your support means everything to me and please do leave a comment if you feel drawn to down below. I love hearing from you - my little legends of light ;) xx
Lou over and out xx
Lou, as always I listened on my morning walk..my heart breaking as I went.
I for one am just so grateful to know you and call you friend.
We're put here to learn grow and love, exactly what you're doing..not always easy.
Your light is blinding.
💜☘️
This is a beautiful piece Lou. It captures all the heartbreak we feel in losing a loved one. Happiness really is something we have to fight for once we've experienced heartbreak .