I was just.....and then my heart exploded.

** I think this piece of writing is best enjoyed if I was to read it out loud to you. This week I have included extra audio that can only be enjoyed by hitting the play button…I think this is a very special one and really hope you enjoy the extra effort I have put into the audio recording…I hope you enjoy it like a mini podcast…The radio background in me just wants to make the audio special and I think I’ve captured something special and in the moment this week. Also I tend to write big pieces and often my sentence structures can be long and just in case you might enjoy to listen as you read or maybe you might like to listen to this as you walk to the shop & to bring me as company, the option is here for that. I hope you enjoy and I hope you know you are never alone, just look up, I’m here x

My Name is Louise Coghlan and I’m so grateful you’re here today. Thanks for taking the risk on me by clicking on this link to bring you here and thanks so much for visiting my writing and listening home. I appreciate you very much x

I was just……and then my heart exploded!

I was just sitting at my desk. I was just thinking ‘god I think my cough is not as bad today as it was yesterday’. I was just thinking about what next to do on my computer. I was just thinking I’m finally back in my groove of ideas and writing and maybe my brain has finally freed itself to allow me to create in a joyful and excited way once again. I was just thinking ‘gosh maybe I can make it as a writer after weeks of self doubt paralysing me into inner panic yet not stopping me to try’. I was just thinking about what playlist I wanted to listen to next. I was just thinking maybe I’ll go make myself another cup of tea.

And then all of sudden, out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning inside my brain, a memory capsule opened. I looked around the room to try and ignore it. I looked up and there lies her holy pictures. I decided they were not going to help me in this moment. I looked to my right and there stood her wardrobe. I haven’t been able to open it since she left, apart from those early days when I would smell her clothes as I tried to cope with the fact that she would never need her pink cardigan ever again. I then just looked around in the hope that this pushing and gushing inside me would just go away but in an instance my memories started to play in my mind like a showreel of her life. Like a showreel of my life. Like a showreel of this room in which I sit everyday. I could hear her in my mind. I could hear her voice. I could see her putting her hand on mine as I would lead her alongside her safety railing on the wall that led to her kitchen. I could see her vividly. I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop my tears. I couldn’t stop my memories. I couldn’t stop my heart from hurting. I try everyday to carry my grief with compassion and also process but somedays out of nowhere it hits me straight in the eye. And never has that been more true as I cry my heart out all over this keyboard as I write not caring what effect all these tears will have on my laptop. They need to be free. These memories need to be felt. But my god do they hurt right in this moment. The absence of those we love is bearable somedays and then on other days its like getting your heart ripped out of your chest all over again.

I’ve now picked up my phone to look at photos of Gran from that time. Yes I’m probably not helping myself but this is grief. This is it. It’s horrendous and in this moment you have to dig deep to feel every fibre of it. To feel every inch of this hurt and pain. I truly believe this is the only way I will heal in the best way I can. I look for photos of our time and sadly I realise I have to scroll much further back than I thought. And see…. what this tells me, is that time has passed. I have survived many sunrises and sunsets without Gran and that is healing as hard as it is to swallow. I have made so many memories since I held my grandmothers hand. I have moved forward and I know she would be so proud of me. But somedays as I think of our story, it’s hard not to feel the loss. It’s still early. It’s a year and half since she left and I know her clothes still smell of her in the wardrobe. I might open it if I feel brave in a minute. Yes again this all hurts the hurt but I know within it there is healing…I miss her. I miss putting her cardigan on her beautiful little arms and pulling it round her. Then as I would do up the buttons in the front, I would say, ‘Don’t you just look cute as a button.’ She would laugh whole heartily as if I never had said that to her before. 956 days I had spent with her in her home yet everyday it felt like a new shiny day together. Everyday she would look at me with love and thank me for minding her so well. I miss hearing her hearing her voice. I miss her gratitude. I miss her love for me. I miss my love for her. I miss her. It’s like a tonne of bricks falling on top of you when these pangs of grief and loss land. I am now a complete blubbering mess but I know she’s near me when these moments come. What a wonderful world is playing on my computer now…..and even though she is gone, I still believe it is a wonderful world. And this is why I know I am healing from my loss. I have not turned against the world. I have not let my darkness and my broken heart replace what hope and love I have inside me. I also did not block out the many many kind hands and hearts that have wrapped themselves around me. Oh if I could tell you, what each of you mean to me. You have helped me in ways that I could never have imagined. I could not have coped with this loss if not for YOU! Know that always and be sure to know also that I love you dearly in return.

For anyone reading this who has lost someone, whether to heaven or maybe to an illness where the person leaves from your presence mentally before its their time to physically pass on, I feel you. I am here with you in this moment and in every moment forward. I have always been very open about my grief, my losses in life and my vulnerability as a human who hurts and feels sad on this journey they call life and equally i’m very open about my love, my passions, my happiness, my joy and all my favourite people and parts of this world. But my god does the hurt hurt. The memories keep flashing to the front of my mind as I write this. I look at photos and wonder did it all really happen? Was Granny really here and was I really with her? It’s so hard to believe it when your heart hurts and I know it’s just part of the process, and the only true way to healing is through the dark spaces of our hearts.

Jealous of the Angels is now playing…If you know this song, you know. It definitely speaks to the heart especially the broken hearted. I’ve always felt close to the broken hearted all my life. As a child, I would always be looking for the child that was sad around me and looking for my moment to move closer to them, sandbox, crayon table, playground…. As a teenager I always followed my heart to those who were overlooked or left out wherever I went. And then as I grew up and put my two feet on the earth in an adult way, I’ve always been drawn to anyone who is struggling wherever I can spot them on my path. I will always find the heart that is heavy in a crowd. It won’t be through prior knowledge but from my own heart I will sense them out. My heart was made to be a healing one and I feel in my life so far I have helped many heal and the reason I know this, is many have told me so. Men, women, teenagers, children - all thanking me for helping them. Many of these people, nobody knows about. Many of these people, just passing through my life. A man sitting beside me on the bus, a young lady looking lonely in the graveyard, a teenager that is being bullied in school. I believe in total confidentially in all this and if someone is willing to trust me with what is hurting their heart, then I will carry their story to my next life beyond this earth. For this empath part of me, I’ve realised in the last year or two that this is my gift and no doubt it was enhanced and made more special by all that time I held my grandmothers hand. See I always knew she was special. She always gave off a special radiance that I couldn’t explain. And then as people met her particulary in her post one hundredth year, something extra special was beaming out from inside her. Me and Gran held a special bond in so many ways. We shared the same birthday month, the same star sign. I was seventy years younger than her and magically in some special stars aligning way, my niece Lauren was born one hundred years after Gran and I definitely can sense she has a special heart too….. And it is in this moment that I lean into my own process of feeling my feelings and not hiding away from that, that I know by acknowledging our brokeness, we heal. By sharing our brokenness with each other, we feel less alone. And that is why I share this moment with you.

I have went to Gran’s wardrobe and put my hand on the handle. I can’t bear to open it. Inside my mind I hear a thousand conversations. I hear her voice as clear as anything. I lean against the wardrobe. I can’t open it. I’m afraid of how much I’ll miss her. So I look back down the room. I see her bedside locker. It is exactly the way she left it. Her whole house is exactly the way she left it. It’s why I love it. It’s why I miss her. But mostly it’s what heals my heart. Her touch lamp, her three clocks, her rosary beads, her telephone along with her holy water and all her little bits places on a table cloth right beside where her bed and her head use to lie. My heart hurts. Where are you gone Gran? Why did you leave me? These are the feelings all grieving hearts feel. The loneliness is horrendous because you know the absence of them physically around you is permanent. There is no going back in this world. Unexpectedly, this is where my tears start to dry. I start to think of all the laughter we shared, all the love we created and all the magical memories I have to lean on now in this empty moment, in this empty room full of everything she and I treasured. I have no regrets and that is where I believe healing starts and ends. My heart still pines for her. My head still imagines where she is now. But my soul knows. My spirit inside me reminds me she is in a really good place. A place that is beyond here. A place where nobody suffers, nobody worries and there is only blissful happiness where she lives now. A place that feels like the sun rising and sparkles like the stars in the night sky and the moon is the biggest reminder that they never ever truly leave us. Instead we must feeling our feelings, let our tears be shed and allow our brokenness be seen and heard. We must experience the broken to allow the light move in. We must work towards healing and an openness with our darkness to build a gratitude and to allow us to notice the moments when life is really good.

Donna Taggart is now playing and she's singing the beautiful song ‘Guiding Light’ if you might know it….. And this song really hits home.

Well, the road is wide and the waters run on either side.

My shadow went with fading light stretching out towards the night.

'Cause the sun is low and I yet have still so far to go.

My lonely heart is beating so, tired of the wonder.

There's a sign ahead, though I think it's the same one again.

But I'm thinking 'bout my only friend, and so I find my way home.

When I need to get home, you're my guiding light.

And as this song plays out, I realise that my tears have dried and I’m no longer crying and my breathe has returned to its normal pace. My heart feels tired but its steady beat is back. I look up to the wall in front of me and I see your holy pictures. I look to my right and I see your wardrobe. I look to my other side and I see your three clocks on your bedside locker. And then my keys beside my computer catch my eye and there you are, a photo of your beautiful face that I carry everywhere I go, hanging from my keys. You opened my heart in ways I will never be able to explain and even though your departure broke my heart in ways I will never be able to explain either, the key to the serene peace that now lies within me will always be because of you. I would not take back a second of our time together for this pain. Instead I lean into it and eventually feeling a bit stronger, I look towards the window. I lift my mind, heavy with my many memories of beautiful you and I find the bravery to look up.

I look up and there you are. The most glorious sunset reminding me that I’ve survived another day without you and the lights of heaven are my sign that you are very much at home….

And then with a second glance, I spot the moon sitting on the opposite side and I know it’s you, and this sign is to let me know you’re ok. And in time, I know I will be too.

A huge shout out to Eimear Crehan -if you might have listened to this as a mini podcast, you will have heard Eimear sing her song ‘Scars. You can find her more about Eimear here: www.eimearcrehan.com and this is the song I included.

Tears…Scars…tears…and then healing x

If you might like to read more about Granny Nancy, the story of her life is available to purchase from here.