Letting Somebody Go - A Cat That Won My Heart & Helped Me Heal!

We had mass for grans second anniversary this morning. It was lovely & I felt very at peace to know gran is in heaven & is happy and safe. As I shared last weekend (on my fb live) I felt gran was trying to send me signs of late to say ‘Louise it’s time you let me go & you allow your heart to accept that it’s now time to move into the next stage of healing.’ I really felt this last weekend in a really strong way -like the two year marker was a moment for me to move forward another little bit & to lean more into my life that is now without her.

After spending time with family after mass this morning, I returned up to grans. The first thing I do is check for Tom the cat & give him a drink & some food. He is always waiting at the front for me when I arrive back. Either sitting on my chair or waiting at the gate the minute I pull up. Today he wasn’t there but I didn’t have a second thought. I knew once I went out the back door he was probably there but he wasn’t. I called his name but no avail. I kept calling not thinking there was anything wrong. After a few minutes of me echoing the word “Tom! Tom! Tom” ….it dawned on me that something might be wrong. I started to look all around grans garden, his usual spots to lie but he wasn’t there. I stood in the barn & thought to myself “where are you Tom?”….as my heart started to beat faster, my thoughts began to drift away from the light…Tom was like granny in so many ways. Consistent to pattern, ate the same food as long as I knew him, slept the same way & never ever strayed from grans garden. As I turned on my heel, something caught my eye. Without focusing, I knew before the truth revealed itself, what was moving around me & within in. I recognised the movement inside my heart. I had felt it before. Death was close to me. Never mind it being close, it was in the next breathe that I took, I knew it was about to dictate the feelings inside me. Poor Tom. There he lay, like a friend that had fallen asleep on a bed of fresh cut grass down the bottom of the garden, so content, so at peace. Just like gran and just like himself, never one to cause a fuss. Never one to create chaos. Instead humble, unassuming & no trouble in anyway, he had passed from this life to the next very like granny - quietly …in his own simple way. Two years on from granny leaving, tom had chosen this to be the moment for him to leave too. Gran had decided that this was the moment she wanted me to become stronger. And even though I agree with his synchronised passing date with gran & now was the time to go join her, I’m devastated. I have to be honest I was always a dog lover over a cat but over the last 5 years of our intensified relationship building, particularly in the last two as it was just me & him in grans keeping her connection to both of us alive, I’m so sad he is gone and particularly today of all days to leave.

Just like all those we love, we never want them to leave & we always want more time. Tom has been grans cat for over 20 years or more so his departure today hit me hard in the wound of my broken heart. I also know that in time I will recognise that this is another sign from gran & maybe the most intense one that it is time to let her go. Like the Coldplay song - one of my favourite & a song I’ve been playing lots over & over, the last few weeks, it really is ‘time to let somebody go.’ Today it’s Tom but in the big picture the next stage of my healing is happening. Loss is horrendous but not loving would be much worse. Onto the rainbow you go Tom. Gran has you now & I know you have loads to catch up on. I will need time to recover from this sharp heartache I feel & particularly the quietness that now is a new level of quiet that I must live with in grans home. It’s all part of the process. To love, to leave but to never forget…and then to love again is what this life is all about. So I must keep going, keep leaning in & keep looking up no matter how tough things get. Thank you Gran for giving me Tom for the extra two years (I really needed him) & thank you Tom for helping me live on without gran & for all the days I had nobody but you to see my tears.

Keep looking up one and all,

Love always,

Lou x