Losing my 107 year old best friend led me to finding you!

**The best way to read/listen to this newsletter is to hit the play button above x

How do I start today’s substack? Well honestly I’ve been stuck for words this week more than ever ( I know shocking stuff altogether?! haha )…..Would you believe I wrote a whole different substack (over 2500 words) and worked on it all week and now in the hours before this was due to be sent out I’ve just begun a brand new page of words to write to you…..My reason for this…..Well I just feel so inspired by the love I feel in my heart that I can’t let it pass without writing about it.

Now when I mention the word love i need to give a little background story to an incident that happened me last night. I was in Gran’s and I decided even though my heart wasn’t feeling strong enough to put up our decorations I would try venture upstairs and look for them. At least if I looked for them I might actually be brave enough to put a few of them up. It’s amazing how many memories can lie in a Christmas tree, a box of baubles and most sacredly a crib set. So I went to the bottom of her stairs, reached for the light switch and made my way up the steps of gran’s home. I reached for the door handle, turning on another switch to light up her spare room. Rooms that are not lived in, haven’t been lived in for a lifetime but store lots of household bits and bobs. In here lies the boxes of Christmas decorations. Christmas decoration that originally were just gran’s but over the years I would buy her new bits and the collection became our collection. Within minutes of looking through and identifying a few of the pieces I was going to bring down to the kitchen, I came across a musical snow globe that was given to her by a dear friend. It had the figures of Joseph, Mary and Jesus in it and as I twisted the wind up switch underneath, my heart began to move. The music in true snow globe fashion of ‘Hark the Herald Angel Sing’ began to play…..

In each note, my heart and memory falling back in time….Falling deep into a place where I could feel all the christmas magic of my beautiful grandmother sit in her chair across from me as we shared stories of our Christmas plans and what we were going to do. The Christmas of 2020 saw me spend Christmas with Gran in a very special, intense and intimate way. I will be forever grateful for that time and all the other time I gained with my best friend. I will never regret one second of our time and I will forever hold all her love for me inside. But in the musical melody of the snow globe, I could feel my heart shatter all over again. I could feel the pieces, the many million pieces begin to fall apart. In a quick second, I put the snow globe down, turned off the light and closed the door tightly……I had to escape. I could feel all my grief making its way through my veins….It was heading straight for my heart like an explosion and I couldn’t take it….My eyes filled with water and since I was heading to my virtual writers Christmas party within an hour I knew I couldnt let the loneliness in my heart take over the joy of spending time with my wonderful friends. But and this but is important, I’m so happy I found that snow globe because after my christmas party I was brave enough to return upstairs. I winded the switched under the globe once again and this time I let it play through. I’m crying as I write this. The pain in my heart is physical. I can feel it and I miss her. I want her back in this moment yet I know I’m so happy she’s safe in Heaven and I know she wouldn't want to come back from where she is now.

This is grief. It is there inside you the whole time but you do get better at holding it in. You get a better handle of carrying your cross. The majority of people who know you, see a smiling face and are proud to think that Lou has done great losing her gran and I have. I am so proud of me. I am so proud of how I’ve coped. I’m so proud of the steps i’ve taken this year. I’m so proud of all the brave moves I’ve made. I’m so proud that even though I was scared for most of it, I still pressed on. I’m so proud I wrote the story of my best friend. I’m so proud I loved her so deeply that her life is in many ways now my legacy. What a gift to be given. What a gift to be left in my hands. What an honour. Someone else’s life impacting so many people who for many didn’t even know her but her works, her ways, her wisdom are now the root for many to find hope, healing and heart in this often dark world. I am so proud of Granny. I am so proud of me. I am proud that I am crying as I write this and I did not run away from my feelings. I am feeling sad and lonely and that is ok. I now know feeling sad, lonely and even lost is all part of my story. It’s part of all our stories. Particularly when you LOVE. See if you love, if you invest in another, the chance of loss is at its highest and I would not have it any other way. Love is always the choice I want to make no matter how hurt my heart feels in the loss of it. See in passing through 2022, and in the completion of the book and all that has happened me this year, I can only step forward and say I LOVE LOVE….Love has given me my life back after loss….

When Gran left, she was my everything. It was no how I planned my life. It was not how I saw it going. If you had asked me a few years ago would I be where I am and would I have done what I done I’m sure I would have said no…..BUt now that I have experienced the whole sacrifice of loving another for the betterment of their life and of course the cost of losing that love, I have to say with my hand on my heart it was worth every tear that has fallen. It has been worth the physical pain I get in the left side of my chest when I think about Gran and when I truly miss her from my life. BUT and this is the most important part of this story. In losing Gran, in losing my reason for living, my world in many ways, my belief in the next life has grown and grown. Butterflies, rainbows, robins the list goes on. There has been no shortage of Heaven in my life and Gran truly fulfilled her promise that she would send me loads and loads of signs once she let go of my hand. But the most magical part of this story lies in YOU. YES YOU….the one who is reading my words. In losing my best friend, Gran sent me YOU> And there really is no other word for that only magic. I am so grateful for you. I love you and I’m so honoured to count you my friend. I lost Gran but she sent me so many good people into my life, into my world, into my heart. For all the parts in my heart that got broken losing her, you have all put a piece of my heart back together so I will forever be grateful for finding you. I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you but I hope you know how important you are to me. Life is not easy. Life will indeed give me plenty more knocks and lots more dark days lie ahead because I choose love. And I will always choose love. I will always choose YOU. You are the reason I smile so brightly. You are the reason I keep looking up. you are the reason I’ve kept going and you are the reason I will keep going. you are YOU and I love YOU so. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for allowing me be me. Thank you for showing me such kindness. For such warmth and for taking me into you heart. You are in the centre of mine and I will never let you go. If ever you are having a bad day, a sad day or a low day, I will be standing right beside you. I will alway be here for you as you have been for me. I could not ask for more special humans to head into 2023 with and I cannot wait until I have hugged you all in person. That is the added bit and when the time is right, that will happen too. But for now I want you to know you are LOVED (BY ME), and you will forever have a home in my heart. If I can ever help you in anyway I will be there for you. If darkness falls, I will help you find your light again. you will never be alone in this world ever again.

Thank you Granny for what you have given to me in 2022. I love you so. I love you so much my heart hurts but equally I am so proud that my heart is full of all the love you gave me. We will never be apart only separated for a short time until it’s my time to go join you but until then I hope I’m doing you proud down here.

Thank you so much for reading these words. I hope you feel me wrapping my arms around you and know I am forever grateful to Gran and fate for giving me you!

Our final Christmas Day together…..I will never not miss you Gran x but I will love you forever x

Love and light always,
And ho ho ho Merry Christmas,

Your biggest believer and forever friend,

Lou xx

I believe Heaven looks like this & I know this is why Gran would never come back from where she is now….#keeplookingup

** Just to mention a live show where I will speak about the story of my love for Granny and her life was announced this week. It will take place in the Moat Theatre in Naas, County Kildare on Sunday 26th February at 3pm. Tickets are on sale now and might just make the perfect Christmas pressie. The link to the tickets are here :Moat Theatre Show Tickets ……& I thank you so much in advance for your support…..