My Broken Heart Travels Onward Towards the Light.

For those carrying a heavy heart, the light will arrive, I promise...

When Gran died thirty three months ago, her bedside lamp stopped working after her funeral. It was a bedside lamp that she had for a lifetime…well for as long as I could remember this lamp was on her locker closest to her bed. Something that we as kids were mesmerised by….

One touch. A little light.

Two touches. A bigger light.

Three touches. The brightest light of all. It was like a magic genie lamp to our child centred hearts and our Gran had one in her bedroom.

Gran was so child focused just like my mam. Ollie -my mam - is a twin of my Gran in that they are so alike…As long as I can remember both Gran and Mam would create fun and laughter for us and not only would they allow us to access fun and happiness but they created happiness for us at every opportunity. Everyday I’m so fortunate to see that same playfulness and unconditional kindness of my Gran’s heart in my Mam. Thinking endlessly of how lucky I am to have my mam so close to me, just like the lamp - she shines the perfect amount of light just when I need it, with a light that never goes out. The love from a mother really is like no other and I count myself blessed and so lucky to have been gifted such an inspiring woman to look up to and to love.

Now back to the lamp…..See this bedside lamp carries a lot of history with it. As children when we arrived to Grans on a daily basis, no matter what, she always allowed us into her bedroom to ‘check that her lamp was working’. We would as kids just want one good go of trying out all the light versions and then gently she would put her arm around us and say “Ok that’s enough lamp lighting for today, out we go.”

We would then be treated to endless cups of tea and a freshly baked treat from the table. She was indeed the dream grandmother and never held back from showing us unconditional love. She was always so thrilled to see us when she would open her front door and smile from ear to ear.

‘Time’ was something Gran recognised in so many ways and was always so grateful that we gave our ‘time’ to her no matter what age we were. This particular bedroom lamp was indeed something that always had a place in Gran’s home and on the days after she died and I noticed it not working, that was something very hard for me to swallow. I knew it was a sign that she truly had left her home for the last time.

The reason she loved the touch version of the lamp was it was easiest for her to switch on & off during the night. For an intense three years between 2019 and 2021, and as a fully grown adult and someone who had taken on the role of taking care and loving Gran in a full time manner, no longer a child was I, but still in awe of the light that was her. I would enter into Grans bedroom every single night at the close of day for our night time ritual.

We would have our little end of day chat, reflecting on lots of things, sometimes deep thinking but more often a giggle and a half together. We would drink tea, then say our prayers together - a very special moment in my day. And then I would say to Gran, “See you in the morning for more fun” in which she would always respond “Please god we will get another day together Louise.”

Like clockwork and an integral part of our night time practice, and what I would nearly say was a spiritual practice together, I would turn down her little cute touch lamp to the lowest light - feeling like I was putting my little baby to bed and in many heartfelt ways I was. The light and this particularly lamp, a sign between us that the day was over and it was time to rest. The touch lamp was as important to both me and Gran as her rosary beads, her clocks, her little drink, her holy statues- all integral & a much loved part of our end of day routine. The morning routine was the exact same but there’s something special about ending a day with someone. I think it’s the quietness of the world and also the ever stark reality of we never knowing if we will get another day ahead. No matter where I close my day or what age I am, that very thought always crosses my mind to allow me to be present in the gratitude of having had another day on this earth and leaving me hoping I will get another when the sun rises once again. I never took a minute of those precious nights with Gran for granted & I guess that’s why her touch lamp became an item I couldn’t believe stopped working once she died.

It was like the light of my life had gone out in every way.

From that moment, I hadn’t the heart to change the bulb or even try see could someone fix it or even tell anyone because somewhere inside me I didn’t want to either change it nor did I want to hear it was gone or broken forever. And this is very much my grief in action and I know as you read this, you will understand what I am saying because you too have suffered loss.

Grief is horrendous and it is only when you are standing in it yourself with no way out, that you deal with loss in whatever you can handle it, learning each day that by keeping your heart open in time it will heal. In my own little Lou way, I am someone who never gives up no matter the odds, so even though the light never worked, every day for months on end I would still touch it as I passed it, breaking my heart that it wasn’t working but in its own way helping me face my grief. Every time it didn’t work, I was actually mending my heart in a tiny little way because it is only by facing up to my loss that I was working on myself and I was slowly but surely making my way through the darkness of grief and the harsh fact that Gran was very much gone.

The biggest lesson of this process was I never gave up on the light nor did I give up on myself progressing through the hurt. I now know that unless you feel your hurt, you feel your feelings, you will indeed stay in the darkness no matter how many masks you place on it. Hurt must be felt, hurt must be given time but most importantly hurt will only heal if you attend to it often.

Gran will be gone three years come this September and while spending a lot of time working away in her bedroom at the weekend, my grief sprung up without notice. Every room I went into, I started to cry. In my head all I can hear now is me closing doors - bang, bang, bang, hoping the grief would lock itself behind the pulled down handle. I tried in everyway to deny my pain in my heart but it was like it was chasing me around the house and eventually it won out.

I accidentally came across her glasses in one of the window ledges and it was from that moment on, that I was an emotional mess from one minute to the next. Strangely the grief was driving my brain to focus on my work the more my heart kept racing ahead. I was indeed getting loads of work done - amazingly so… lots of words were being written down and lots of reading done too. I was having breakthroughs when it came to ideas and strategies and felt very much alive in my purpose at my computer screen and my very many notepads and endless sheets of paper. As much as I love my laptop, I love paper and pen best. The keyboard was indeed alive though just like it is now. But my heart was hurting no matter how much my head tried to push it aside. The tears kept falling on my fingertips as they ran across the letters on my keyboard….There just was no way my body was not going to feel the raging pain inside me.

But as the saying goes, it is always darkest before the dawn and that phrase has never failed me yet, so here is what happened next. In a million ways, I nearly can’t believe what I’m about to write because it’s still hard to believe it. If I was a fiction writer, I wouldn’t even believe this…. but as I returned into Gran’s bedroom after making my tenth cup of tea, my eye caught something in the room that I was never expecting.

Out of nowhere and with nobody to witness it, the touch lamp has switched on 💖 To say I nearly lost my mind would be an understatement but within a deep breathe or two, I just sat down and took it all in. I spoke out loud with tears falling, my heart slowing down and said ‘Thank you Gran, I needed you and you were here.’

I’ve been crying ever since and I’ll probably be crying all week particularly since her bedroom is so important to me. It’s where she lived, it’s where she slept, it’s where she laughed, loved, prayed and it’s where she died. This is grief but this is also LOVE. In time, my tears will dry & I will smile from ear to ear knowing Gran needed me to wait for that intense pain to pass to allow me to see her light again. In ways I feel she is telling me my light is inside me and that the process of grief that I’ve been trying to carefully step through is allowing me to see the magic, is allowing me to keep the best memories close to me and it is allowing me to see the light no matter how much darkness falls around me. My healing journey is not actually about the loss of Gran but instead the important steps I am taking to give myself the strength to realise that I can love and lose and still be a light in this world.

The morning she died, the sun was rising, the birds were singing & we didn’t need her lamp to see. Her life left the earth & in ways her home & every item in it knew that the vibrancy of Granny Nancy had left too. Granny Nancy had lived in her home for over eighty years. Her life, her heart, her soul, her spirit, her prayers, her laughter, her smile, her wisdom were so strong in that home and particularly in that bedroom that it was no wonder the light physically left her home with her that morning. I can now see that.

I truly believe her lamp switching on yesterday was a sign from her for me. Reminding me to never give up even if the odds are against me. Anyone else might have put the bedside lamp away or even got rid of it but my heart wanted to know Grans effervescent light was still shining in Clonard in county Meath & yesterday she told me in her very own way, that as I sat in her bedroom, she was very close to me. And in ways, I will always carry her light inside me and in Heaven she will always carry my light in her too.

This is the reason I look up. My light and her light and all the lights of our loved ones live in the light of the sky. The sun reminding us that we can rise again and face another day and the moon and the stars reminding us that no matter how dark it gets, we must never lose faith, that someone greater alongside all those we love are right beside us looking on.

Love is why I walk this earth & faith is why I believe in something higher.

And hope is what I carry inside myself & I refuse to put it down no matter how dark things get.

Thank you so much for the sign Gran.

You knew I needed it.

And I did.

And maybe you my reader needed it too and this is why I am a writer. I want to share my light with you so you never feel alone and that no matter what, we will get through whatever faces us together, we just need to look up 💖

Everyday I wish you were here Gran and now I know you are -you are in my heart. I was your light when you needed me and now you are mine.

We will all meet again beyond the sun, the moon & the stars and it will be like we never left each others sides.

Keep looking up. Keep being you Substack family. Keep being kind. Keep smiling. Keep crying. Keep feeling your feelings. Keep healing. And most importantly keep going, everything will indeed be ok in the end I promise.

With love and light,

Lou x

#grief #love #healing #loss #lonely #bestfriends #needyou #missyou #voice #strength #bravery #heaven #wewillmeetagain #wishyouwerehere

Who do you miss in Heaven? Do you receive messages? What signs have you been given? I hope you enjoy this piece of writing… your support whether to sign up for free to my letters here or to leave a comment or message mean an awful lot to me so thanks a million for being here x