One Year On Without YOU.....
Healing, Loving and Learning to Live Again....
To start this piece, I need to travel back in time and when life is good, that is often easy to do, but when life is heavy, travelling back in your memories is a totally different experience. Today is indeed the one year anniversary of the day Gran let go of my hand and took hold of God’s in Heaven so there is only one piece of writing I need to do today. Today is all about taking a moment and remembering you Gran in a special way and also taking a moment and recognising I’ve made it a year without you by my side and that is one serious achievement. This is a big moment for me and I know it.
When I think back over the last twelve months, the concept of that time frame is askewed. I think if you ask anyone who is grieving or is in bother, time and the scale of it can get all out of shape. In someways it feels so long since I last heard your voice call my name or the soft touch of your century aged skin that felt like silk and yet in other ways I just get hard to believe a year of life has passed. Could it be that long? Is it really a whole year? Yet my memories of you and for you are as real as if i’m still standing in those moments.
Sometimes I stand outside your home and pretend you’re still in there as I approach the door. I dream of you just sitting in your chair and your head rising as I open the cross door to see your smiling face. Of course, it is but a dream until the reality of the door opens and when I see your seat vacant and a home that was once full of your love, my heart sinks really deep into my chest. But as that feeling has repeated itself over and over in my soul & that moment has happened over and over everytime I go towards your front door, I’ve learned something really important in the core of it. Even though I know you are physically gone, so much of you is here for me to love and still feel. I now know and have learned that you will never really leave me. I can feel you everywhere. I can hear you. I can see you. Your words etched in mine. And your magical energy is there to be felt everytime your beautiful cute face passes through my mind.
It’s all down to me being open to it. See if I want, I can close my mind and heart to you and then yes in many ways you will be gone, but if I remain open to you, if I choose to hold onto you in my heart, I will never lose you Gran. This has been a bit step for me over the last year and this has been the learning curve of my grief and loneliness for you too. There has been a lot of learning and there has been a lot of tears but there too has been a lot of love. My heart has had to re-adjust to finding new ways to love you again. And even though in all stories of dark and light, I think I’ve finally found a way to hold you in my heart forever. I now love you through my own words, my own actions, and my own outreach of love. For those who i’ve always loved, I continue to love them going forward and to those I’ve found new over the last twelve months, I now place my love for you in them. It’s like a rekindling of my human spirit and now I understand what you were trying to teach me. You lived your life through love and kindness always and you never held a bad feeling towards anyone. No matter how heavy life was on you, you continued to love and that is now my choice too.
There will always be times when tears fall & my heart pines for you so much but there is now more time for smiling, laughter and joy & that tells me i’m doing just fine and you are right here with me. You are in the words I type. You are in the hugs I give and receive. You are in the kind messages people send me and the ones I send too. You are in the prayers I say for others and the ones I say for myself. You are in the sun as it rises and you are in the moon as it shines down upon me. You see me looking and I feel you looking down. It’s the cross of grief but it is the gift of love that you have placed within me & I hope there is never a day that I don’t shine brightly with you in my heart.
In thinking deeply about the last twelve months and my meeting with grief and the loss of someone I love from my life, I came up with a bit of a list of both sides of the story. A bit like Joanie Mitchell’s song, there is indeed two sides to everything and while I think it’s so important to always stretch your mind out to look at things from all angles, I feel there is a lot more positives to my story than negatives and again for me, it’s all about choosing to keep looking up. The hard parts must never be denied, they must be chewed on, suffered and then processes to a stage that you can let them go. Here’s the list I came up with. Not a bad thing to put together to help my heart and mind cope with this moment and as each day passes, the healing is greater, the gratitude is greater and the magical serene peace that I feel in my soul is no doubt the best gift that granny has given me.
Some of the parts I still struggle with one year on are as follows:
Waking up in the morning and knowing you’re not here.
Making tea for me and not you.
New photos and memories beginning to fill my phone and my memories of you going further back in time….
Looking at your empty chair…..and wondering where you are?
Saying a prayer and hearing you in my head but knowing you are not here.
Looking back on all our videos. Somedays I can look at them and smile but otherdays they break me in a million ways.
Visiting your grave….Feeling disappointed that I feel so hurt when I see your grave yet knowing whole heartedly you are safe in Heaven.
Thinking about memories we shared and wondering did they really happen?
Looking at photographs and seeing myself in them and nearly not believing I was there.
Having no recent photographs where I don’t have my mask on. This is a hard one for me. I was obsessed with my mask as so many know, as I really couldn’t have lived with myself if I gave you covid Gran. Even when I use to sleep on a mattress on the floor beside your bed when you were sick, I lay there with my mask on. I know in the big picture, it was my sacrifice to protect you in this way that you never got covid and I know that gave me great comfort when you passed away naturally so I must keep that in my vision. It’s just sometimes I wish I had a photo of you and me naturally having fun in those times - without a mask on my face hiding my smile.
Thinking about the future knowing there is so much time ahead where I wont be able to share my little bits of news with you.
Not being able to hold your hand….I really miss your hands.
Thinking about the times ahead, when I will need you to tell me everything is going to be ok.
Missing not having someone to embrace my messing. The reason we got on so well was because you always said yes to any of my ideas. Anything I came up with, you never even doubted or questioned, you would say yes. That was a special sort of relationship we had. It didn’t matter if it meant ringing the president which we did on a number of occasions (who never returned our call by the way) to dressing up like an Irish leprechaun to sitting for live zoom calls on international media outlets to just sitting there having the best of laughs and not forgetting our afternoon naps at the start of the lockdowns. We had so much fun and simple messing that I know you were special in a way I will not find the like of you again…
I’m excited about your book being finished and being shared in the world but it’s also hard for me to finish this part of our story together Gran. I wish you were here to have the fun with me and even just to enjoy this moment. This is all about your life and all the goodness you brought to the world. This is your moment & I just wish you were here with me. I will be proud on the day of the launch but I will also be heartbroken in so many ways too.
Looking at your clock on the your bedside locker is still hard for me.
Your memorial card is hard to take in sometimes.
Your name on your headstone.
Your jacket hanging on the stand.
The smell of your jumpers and your clothes hanging in your wardrobe. I keep those moments of smelling your clothes to when i’m really really lonely for you. I know it wont be there forever but I love that I can still smell you. Even though it can upset me a lot, I am so grateful and on those hard days, the smell of you mends my broken heart.
Facing the fact that there will never be another Nancy Stewart. You were special. You were a miracle. You were an angel on earth. You were my best friend. It’s a long road ahead without you and I would do anything to have another cup of tea with you.
All the bits that I’m so grateful for one year on:
Thinking of all the days I got to wake up with you & the person I said my final goodnight to. All the morning prayers and chats we shared were very special. There is something very special and sacred about seeing someone you love wake in the morning. Even though I don’t have children myself, I think I now know the joy of seeing a beautiful face (like a newborn baby) you love first thing in the morning and to look at you with unconditional love when the rest of the world is still asleep. The same for when I would say goodnight to you. Our special little routine that nobody would know about only me and you. I’ll never not smile when thinking of these magical moments we shared.
All the million cups of teas we shared together…nobody will ever catch up on the amount of tea we drank particularly in lockdown Gran. As we use to say, we are the champion record holders of tea drinking.
All the love in my heart that you gave me. You reminded me that to give love away was a good thing and that you can never be too kind in this life. I have a soft sensitive heart and during my life, there have been many times when people would say you are too soft Louise or you should be harder and many have taken advantage, but during my time with you Gran, I was reminded that I love me for being me. It was my soft heart that led me to spending this magical time with you and I will never regret having a soft heart. You had the same heart and I loved every fibre of it in you!
I love that you helped me deepen my faith. Who knows what kind of faith I had before, i’m not even sure myself? While after my dad died the way he did, I knew I had looked for something bigger out there and I definitely found it, in finding my belief in Heaven and in knowing that being good was still the right choice no matter how hard the world was on you. But in spending such quality time with you and in your constant love of praying and just in how you were always speaking of God, the saints and angels and how no matter all the bad that happened in your life and also in the world, it never turned you against any of it. If anything you would always say, we need to pray for everyone and ourselves. You could see the big picture Gran and you helped me see the benefit of praying for others and you know what, I even believe in it now. I have my own way of doing it as you know and so does the fb family know that, but in my own unique way I think and hope I bring a sense of calm, hope and healing to people the way you did.
You showed me that love can extend a life. Love can lift a heart. Love has no end. Through my time living with you Granny, I learned that I could live on love and I knew by your smiling face you could too. There were many times where your chest infections would get the better of you, but you always rallied through, and even though there were many nights, I wasn’t sure would you make it, you never let me down. You always made it through and a few days later, you would be sitting up, looking for your cuppa. Love really is the answer no matter what other options are on the table.
I learned the value of home. Living at home. Loving your home. Being happy at home. You knew where everything was. I could ask you where would I get a pin and you would direct me to the bedroom upstairs, the set of drawers to the right, third drawer down and there is a little box. Lift the lid Louise and underneath the first layer, you will find pins. You knew where everything was. Home is where the heart is happiest and nobody should ever be removed from their home unless they really need professional help. I really believe we all should be let live and die in our homes if we can at all possible. Home is healing, home is hope, home is where our hearts are happiest.
I also learned that someone can indeed be cared for at home. The state supports are not enough and there is a lot of provision of services that need to be upgraded big time. Also if you want to stay at home, you should not be punished, you should not be forced out of your home. If a family is willing to mind someone at home, it should not be a battle for support to do that and it wouldn’t take much to make sure that final wishes are kept. When it comes to our older people, these are the people who made our country what it is. They suffered for us to have what we have. They have paid their taxes. They have reared their children and their grandchildren too in many magical ways. We should always put the well being of our elderly at the top of the list along with our children. Two categories of vulnerable people and never should anyone be taken from their home to live or die if it is not their wish. I understand if there is any issues regarding certain illness but we live in 2022, it’s about time we got with the programme and the rest of us can step forward in so many ways to help the less able.
One of the best things I’ve learned is recording the people we love is such a magical gift after they have gone. Yes I get very upset sometimes watching you back Gran but I am so grateful I have you on audio, on videos and can feel so close to you in a touch of a button. I can even say my prayers with you if I want. That is the magic of technology of course and if you take only one thing from this substack please take this. Record the people you love. It doesn’t matter their age because we never know when it is our time. Hit record. Take photos. Capture their voice. You will always be grateful if you lose them that you have that beautiful memory.
I’ve learned you can survive anything. You can be tested and you can be trialled and if you hold your ground and believe you can make it through, you will. Many many times I didn’t think i was going to be able to last the time of cocooning but I did. Then I didn’t know could I survive the pain in my heart when you passed gran but I did. And I didn’t just survive, I have worked really really hard to process my loss, feel my pain and find my joy again.
After you left, I really didn’t know who I was. It has taken me a whole year of being lost to find me again. And not only have I found me, I really like the me I’ve found - that sounds like my ego talking but I promise it’s not. I just feel so comfortable in my skin, every day I wake, i’m happy to be alive and I’m happy to be well and healthy and just be me if that makes sense. It’s a mix of the old me and the new me. You know how this libra likes balance but I definitely think the best version of me is emerging. I still make mistakes. I still get things wrong. I still get into bad humour. I don’t have it figured out at all but the bits I now understand are my guiding signs for the steps I’m taking to improve myself everyday. I think in life, we are always transforming and changing but at the core we have a set of values that allow us to be us. The fun of who we are. The joy in our hearts. The hurt in our being. When we allow the hurt and the love just be, healing takes place and I think over the last year, even though it hasn’t been easy, it’s definitely been worth it. Here’s hoping, the best is yet to come.
I’m so grateful that I interviewed Granny so many times during the lockdown and during her lifetime that gifted me the honour of being able to write down if not all, but some of her life story. After Gran left, I was very unsure what to do with my life, but because of the stark emptiness in my day to day routine and also inside me, I decided to take up my pen and put Gran’s story together. It was my final promise to her to finish it so on January 5th I set up a table in her bedroom where her bed used to be and a room where we spent so many precious hours.
Sitting under her holy pictures and surrounded by all the things she loved, I began….and now nine months later (in true birthing fashion - Granny would be laughing her head off at that reference), and in today’s substack and because you were so good to read all the way down here (and because I love YOU dearly), I can officially announce… I can say it out loud…once I say it…it has to happen right…. Granny Nancy’s book titled:
‘Granny Nancy - The Lady Who Lived, Loved and Laughed for 107 Years’……..will be released into the world on Sunday October 16th at 3pm.
October 16th is a very special date in our family as it’s Gran’s birthday..…Myself and Gran shared October together as libra women, my birthday at the start of the month and her’s in the middle so October was always a very special month for both of us. In many ways, I just thought of this as another magical sign from the powers that be, that me and Gran were meant to be extra connected in our lives. So to be able to release the book on the day of Gran’s birthday even though she’s in heaven is most definitely a sign for me to say that Gran couldn’t be happier about all of this.
The launch will be in The Hamlet Court Hotel where we will have a party to celebrate her life and celebrate the book and celebrate YOU. There will be tea and cake and lots of it and of course lots of chat (oh and lots and lots of hugs). Granny celebrated her 100th birthday party in the Hamlet Court Hotel, in Johnstownbridge in County Kildare and that is the reason I am choosing this location. I would love your company if you are in the area or maybe you if you live in the country and you want to join us. If you do feel like an overnight stay, the hotel has a special rate in play for this magical occasion. You can just ring up & mention the secret code ‘Granny Nancy Rocks’ and you will receive the following special rates for over night stay - Saturday night rate is 119 euros for two people and Sunday night is 95 for two people. It promises to be a very special occasion and I’ve no doubt we will all be in tears as well as a huge energy of love. I’ll give more details as the weeks move but I just wanted ye to know as the build up is half the fun in life.
Thank you for reading all the way down here Substack family or for listening all the way to here. You are the reason I am doing what I am doing. I feel like i’m about to take a leap of faith, it’s been a long time coming, and even though I’ve the normal gut feeling of panic inside me, overriding that is a sense of everything is going to be ok. And the reason for that is you are my parachutes and I feel safe. I also know Granny has my back too and my beloved mother. And I have a wonderful inner circle of people who just believe in me and are helping me getting everything ready so when I panic, I just think of ye all, and I’m ok….I just want you to know how grateful I am for your support and thank’s for being you always! Here we go, it’s time to jump and i’ve got a feeling it’s going to be the most amazing skydive ever……
Until Monday,
Love and light always,
Keep Looking Up,
Your friend always,
Lou xx
***Just to mention I am very active on Facebook and all the bits of the next month six weeks will be posted daily, hourly and even obsessively ;) on my page here :) Love for you to join the Facebook Family there or on the Instagram Bus here :)
***A final piece - for anyone feeling low, feeling sad, feeling broken hearted or just unsure, here is a prayer or two from me and Granny just for you, I hope you sense some peace, kindness and love being sent you way…just for you x
This was lovely Louise, I felt the pain whilst you read this. You and granny had the most beautiful relationship and that will never be forgotten. Sending you lots of love x
Absolutely wonderful reading Louise, ❤️ I can identify with a lot of your thoughts & memories. I don't have the confidence to express them, you are special and I know granny Nancy thought so. X