Why I Look Up To The Moon and The Stars....
This evening, without noticing it, I closed the front curtains in Grans kitchen and in an instant, I forgot. I took the first piece of material and pulled it across swiftly, followed by an action of closing the second one with my left hand. In that instance, my muscle memory in my brain fell into a false reality. In that split moment, I went to turn on my heal to say out loud ‘I think it’s time we head to bed Gran’…A phrase I would have said without fail day after day after day when we lived together…
I have to take two looks at her chair…It’s empty and in a moments thought I am surprised by that…. It’s now her forever empty chair and all I can hear are the endless ticking of her many many clocks in the kitchen as a million memories rush towards me like a wave at the sea that nobody can stop..…What was once a kitchen full of life and laughter is now silent apart from the ever loud tick, tock, tick, tock……I’m here yes but when you’re on your own, the sound of laughter is silence….while the quiet clocks become loud….The words I was about to say to Gran nearly came out of my mouth as I fell into my old life just for a second. And as I stopped myself from actually saying them out loud, my memory inside my mind followed through the process…….I tried to deny it. I tried to instantly forget it….I stepped my way out of the space as quick as possible, hoping that memory would go back to wherever it burst out from…like a leak in a boat…I wanted to plug it fast and make it disappear....As the moment would have it, I was leaving Grans to go meet a friend for a catch up so I speedily gathered my stuff together and moved. I pulled on my jacket. My scarf. My Hat. Grabbed my keys like I couldn’t get out of there quick enough and made my way to my car. Literally running away from my most favourite person….as fast as I could…Oh how grief messes up your heart….and your head too…..
As I took the two steps out of Gran’s garden, I felt a light shine down on me. And of course I did exactly what I tell everyone else to do…I looked up….And there was the biggest brightest moon shining down on me…. the snow moon.…And accompanying it was a magical array of stars…..The exact same moon that watched me step outside the door on so many occasions when I didn’t know what to do at 3am when Gran was so sick. When Gran couldn't sleep. When all those times Gran slept but I couldn’t sleep. At any hour you could find me standing outside…and that is still the case now…When I can’t sleep, I step outside. When I feel the moon is outside I step outside. When I feel lost, I step outside. When I’m unsure, I step outside. If I see it peak through my window, I step outside. When I’m looking down, I try my best to look up and I step outside….
Me and the moon go way back and everytime I needed a light in the dark, the moon was there….No matter how lonely I felt, I never felt alone once I could see the moon. When I felt I was the only person awake on the whole planet, I looked up and I knew I wasn’t….Once the moon was there, I knew I wasn’t alone……And it’s always in the same place, it’s just above my head…the perfect distance to encourage my chin to rise, my eyes to lift and for me to have no choice but to look up… in reach of us all…
And then put the stars alongside it and my god, I really believe that’s a glimpse into Heaven and I have no doubt there is a higher god, a power beyond me and you, something more out there…. For me it’s all too special what happens in the sky that no human could have anything to do with it and really that makes me happy too…The moon and the stars…how much more magic could we ask for particularly when the world is brought into the darkness just when they shine…
I feel the lights - ‘the stars’ are the reminders that there are lots of people gone before us that potentially can see us. For me, the stars represent their hearts, their homes, their love, their belief, their hope and their want for us to look up and believe in something more in this world. I also believe for me, the stars are a reminder that a small light can indeed take away the dark too. And not forgetting that our ancestors, our families and our friends are all gone ahead of us & maybe just maybe they are the lights of Heaven - the love they held for us doesn’t go away but instead shines in the stars of the night…I know this is all just my belief systems and as we know if a scientist got a hold of me, it wouldn’t take long for said scientist to inform me with theories of a different kind….I do not dismiss science (in many ways I love it too) but I do offer forward a belief system that is mine…and that’s the great thing about the heart, the human & the hope of the forever world, that maybe just maybe there is something beyond this path that we walk everyday…
For me, I need that belief, I want that belief and that exact belief is what gets me up in the morning and comes with me to bed at night…..I don’t believe our loved ones just vanish. Nope I believe the stars are the reminder to us that there is much more to this world than what we see. And the moon is also that reminder too. Both aspects of the night sky reminding us that even when darkness surrounds us, lights of all sorts & shapes can help us see our way forward….. I believe in a higher power, a god, maybe lots of others are overseeing our way of living on this earth, who knows…I actually don’t know. Nobody knows and that’s the magic of it all….I don’t believe they have control over the bad things that happen down here but I’m sure someone somewhere is witnessing all our moves……All these thoughts are of course just my own thinking on this end but after leaving Grans with that painful memory bursting through and feeling the grief brew up inside me, that shining light above me, the bright and beautiful moon, once again, helped me cope….Tears ran down my face as I drove along. And I’m glad they did. By me feeling my feelings and allowing those tears to fall, I was grieving…And as I drove and grieved, the moon came with me….It never left my eye line and how grateful I was for that…I wasn’t alone as my heart screamed out inside me….See grief is the natural process of a lost loved one. Hurt inside whether through grief or just feeling low needs to be felt and not suppressed… I know as every tear falls, the icy pain in my heart is melting just that tiny bit more, and the healing is happening within that.
If you don’t feel those heavy feelings when they rise up, you are running the risk of suppressing the dark inside and that is not healthy. In the long run, suppressing the pain, gives it the opportunity to rise up somewhere else along the path and more often than not, it multiplies in that quiet…So feel your feelings, let your tears fall and then look up. If it’s dark, the moon will shine just for you. If it’s dark, the stars will sparkle just for you. And then somewhere within that pain, the dark lessens and the bright moves in. The sun will rise and take it all away. And we will begin again.
It’s not easy. It’s actually really really hard. But as humans we have the amazing magic inside us that can beat all darkness. And that is called LOVE. We have it to give away, we can receive it and most importantly it can heal the hurt and in time, when enough lights in the sky have reminded us, we will recover. We will recover and we will become ourselves again. We won’t be the same person who went into the storm but we sure will know the value of the lights in the sky. We will look up when we feel happy. We will, even though it can be very hard, we will look up when we are sad.
For me, the sky saved my life. And I will never forget that. The lights in the dark. The bright rising sun in the morning. I will never not talk to the moon. I will never not pray to the stars. I will never not say thanks to the sun. They are my guiding lights and I will forever follow their lead. I hope somewhere between my words, you too can feel the hope that lies in the sky and know that no matter what, if you just look up, love will be looking down on you!
Love and light always,
Lou x
On my final note…..just want to give a shout out to one of my very good friends Sid who not only is a wonderful doctor but also a wonderful reader and supporter of everything I do. I really appreciate you Sid and just like poor Lauren last week, I will now very badly sing you Happy Birthday. Sid played a huge part in helping me complete the book last year and I know, she works very very hard so I hope the year ahead is a great one for you in everyway possible.
Also I’m including the song from The Waterboys here - because it is without doubt one of the most fitting songs for this week’s substack….
Keep Looking Up!
Lou x
I’d love if you might leave a comment or share this piece of writing with a friend….I really appreaciate you being here and will always be so grateful for your support x
PS. For all details of my upcoming trip to the states, information will be added to my website here: www.livingandlaughingwithlou.com and also I chat freely about life, love, loss, the moon, the stars, the sun and everything in between daily on www.facebook.com/livingandlaughingwithlou (love if you might join our home there)
PPS. Just as a little note as my big trip to the states moves closer, I hope it will be ok by you, my dearest Substack family that I will just send out one newsletter per week in the run up my departure….It’s just I have a lot of logistics and figuring out going on and I don’t want to not give you my all, but I know that my brain is a bit foggy with all the decision making it’s doing. I hope that is ok with you and normal service will resume once I get my bags packed and with my dearly beloved gran in my hand, off to the states I go to meet the wonderful people on the other side of that big Atlantic Ocean. From little acorns, big oak trees grow right? Here’s my leap of faith beginning and I know no matter what, I have you and my Facebook Family helping me land safely on the other side….No matter what, I wont leave this life saying I didn’t give this my all so here I come…..three….two….one…. ;)
If I aim for the moon the worse place I can land is among the stars right? Time to live out my own motto’s…..Thanks a million for being YOU xx
All the dates and tour stops are now beginning to fall into place so I think the next few substacks will be focused on the upcoming tour. I want you to feel fully part of this magical next step I’m about to take. You have been with me through all my story and this is a really exciting part….and I wouldn’t be doing it without you. I will be live streaming the tour from the states on my Facebook page so I’d love you to join here for all the real life messing: www.facebook.com/livingandlaughingwithlou…I do a fb live every night from here always so if ever you are feeling lonely or you just want a bit of chat about this, that and the other, I’m always there chatting and drinking tea haha :)…a whole community awaits you with over 22,000 people in my home…..come in, put your feet up, have a cuppa and I promise you I’ll have you giggling to yourself in no time….and if I don’t have you laughing, I promise i’ll lessen your loneliness or worry, that I promise xxx
On the fb lives when I get to the states, you can watch me get lost…watch me meet strangers and give hugs to people I’ve known a life time but I’m only getting to meet now…see me smile…see me cry…see me take my dreams to the next stage…see me being brave and stepping way out of my comfort zone..It’s time to take a risk and jump from the plane with my parachute again….My words for this year…Do you remember what they were?? To BELIEVE. To be BRAVE and to BLOSSOM….I choose these words over my Christmas reflection journal & are on my vision board and then I took the word ‘ARISE’ after seeing the show in Berlin of the same name…At that stage the American Tour was not in place and when I look at it now, I only booked my flights at the end of January so what a way to start the year….Leaps of faith and I’m proud of my self for that alone….Lots of work to do before I depart but I’m beginning to get that excited feeling inside….fear and courage sit together but it’s all about what we lean into xxx
And don’t forget you can buy the Granny Nancy Story from www.livingandlaughingwithlou.com all books sales now will help towards this big leap of faith so I’m so grateful if you might like to buy the book. Also if you might tell family and friends out in the states about my tour, I’d be super grateful too. And also if you know of any businesses big or small, who might like to be a sponsor on the tour, I’d be thrilled if they might email grannynancybooktour@gmail.com :) ok that’s all from me, promise, for this week, Happy weekend to you wherever you are, Lou x
Ps.Keep Looking Up x
You brought back memories of my late mother. She would sing and play the piano "My Sweethearts the Man in the Moon." Thanks for sharing memories.
Very insightful,entertaining piece.i really enjoy listening to your voice as I read ur article.Guess there is a role for u in counselling in the future,to use your wisdom.