Talking It Out And Listening too.....

The Tricky Art of Being Human

20 minutes away from my home……

If you don’t know what to do, talk it out.….That’s one of the best pieces of advice I received many many years ago and I’ve never looked back since. In saying that…there are two very important aspects to that statement:

1. Pick your person wisely!

2. Pick your person wisely!

See even though I’m a big believer in talking out problems, your troubles and your conundrum’s, I’m equally as strong a believer in making sure you pick your person wisely. And see the reason for that is as follows:

1. If you don’t pick your person wisely, you might get the wrong advice.

2. If you don’t pick your person wisely, you might feel worse than you did before you shared with this person.

And even though it’s so important to talk and share what is going around in your head and possible adding heavy weight to your heart, it is so important, that other person is the right person to sit with and for you to share. Yes sometimes any person will do (we think) but this is not usually the case. And why is that………Because……

1. An unawareness from the other person of their own needs for attention can take over….

2. They might not truly care about the outcome of your situation and can indeed be using the opportunity to share their own story.

And yes more often than not, this person is not doing it on purpose but more likely is caught up in themselves and this is why they are not your person…. We must try and find the right people who sit around us. We must try and take care of our circle. Those we share with are the only source outside ourselves that will feed energy into us to keep going, to keep the faith, to not lose hope, so it is so important if we can at all, try to work hard to keep good people around us so when that moment comes when we are in a knot, in a crisis, in a dark moment, that we have good people to lean on. Good people to listen to us. Carl Roger was a great thinker of our time and it was Carl who brought about the theory of ‘active listening’. Active listening is defined by Rogers as ‘listening that requires that we get inside the speaker, that we grasp, from his point of view, just what it is he is communicating to us.’ and therefore it is important that we try our best to be good active listeners because when they day comes we have troubles, an active listener can be the saviour in your life. And why is that….Well Because

1. They listen with their heart and their mind….They open their mind to think rationally about your problem or your trouble while actively listening to your each word you speak but equally open their heart to hear how your speak, what tone you are using, what body language you are possessing and what you are truly saying.

2. There is nothing more special than a friend who actively listens to your problems…An active listener can feel your feelings while allowing their brain to try figure out what road to take, what moves to make and often will offer great solutions or at least some mechanisms that might help you cope in your present situation.

3. Also an active listener and good friend can help you see the light. They can see the hope beyond this moment of darkness and their skill of active listening not only allows them to think further than themselves but brings them closer to a situation they might meet one day in their life too.

Matt Owen, the Portuguese writer once said in describing Roger’s theory of active listening that ‘If we truly listen, we expand our own intelligence, emotional range, and sense that the world remains open to discovery. Active listening is a kindness to others but, as Rogers was always quick to make clear, it is also a gift to ourselves.” And that is so true. We only learn by listening and we only heal by talking so both are essential for personal growth to take place within a person. And why do we need personal growth I hear you say….Well….Because…………

1. We are human beings and we were never meant to stay the same. Nature teaches us that. Leaves on a tree must fall. The sun will rise and then it will fall and then it will rise again. The summer will come and then it will leave and then it will come back to us. There is something very special about nature as a reminder, for me anyways, that cements the idea of humans changing and equally finding that happy middle ground too. We are transient beings that must be open to change and equally open to learning because in this world nothing stays the same forever yet we can hold a piece of contentment in finding our way in this world too and finding who we really are…those parts are the best parts of us and we should never lose those.

Personal Development is defined as ‘the conscious pursuit of personal growth by expanding self-awareness and knowledge and improving personal skills’. The five main areas of personal development are as follows: mental, social, spiritual, emotional, and physical. So never we must overlook personal development because everyday is an opportunity to improve it. Personal development leads to the betterment of us as human beings but also gives us the skills we need to cope when troubles are heavy or when our immediate world is in carnage.

And how can we keep a track of that personal development? How can we better improve ourselves? See life moves very fast and even though they say it moves faster as you get older, I think with modern development and technology, life is going fast for us all. And in the speed in which life moves, we sometimes find ourselves not taking time out to think about our big picture. Especially if life is going good. We can get caught up thinking that life will always be good. But speaking from my own experience, I now know that is not the case. Life is indeed as unpredictable as the Irish weather. When life is good, I try my best to work, think and consider how to improve myself, how to protect myself, how to develop what skills I have already and build towards a stronger me. I don’t always achieve what I hope to achieve in my own personal development but over the few years I feel I have made much better headway coping and the reason for that is I’ve had to strip away parts of me that were not easy. I had to feel feeling that hurt. I had to cry all those tears. I had to think deeply and act accordingly to make changes to myself. Not losing the core value system that was at my centre but more working, crafting, carving away parts of me that was not making me feel good nor were they fulfilling the aspects of me that were authentically me. This also included cutting out people who were not good for me. People who weren’t actively listening to me nor were they standing close to me when I needed them. Life is one hell of a learning curve but eventually you get enough knocks to realise both working on yourself and taking care of those taking care of you pays off for your …..you’ve got it…your personal development. I know that all the work I’ve done on myself as well as 'my focused effort to ‘actively listen to others’ has given me a backpack of tools to help me cope with life when it gets rocky. Of course that backpack can indeed me knocked off me if something really terrible happens next but for now it gives me comfort to be able to feel strong after being through a rocky road of heartbreak and personal loss. Personal development is something I truly believe in and I know Granny did too. Everyday is a school day and in each person I meet, I try my best to open my heart and mind to hear their story from the place in which they are telling it without bringing my own feelings to the table. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I do try my best to be there for others and I have no doubt as Rogers proclaimed, I have learned so much from feeling and listening to others speak their stories. I truly believe someone sharing their story with me is indeed a special sort of gift in that to be able to help, to be able to be there for another is a sign of trust, a sign of friendship and a sign that you are indeed developing your own personal being to be a better human going forward. If someone is willing and placing trust to talk to you about their story, to actively listen is the very least I can do because I then know they are picking me as their person. Being chosen as someone’s person is something I hope I never take for granted and hopefully will try my best always to help anyone that approaches me. See to talk about your problems allows them to be free from your mind and gives your brain space to be able to figure out the solution and with the help of a good friend and someone who is willing to listen to your words while taking note of your tone, your body language, your emotions and even your rational thought, any problem can be figured out among two people. Also the as you share each word, each feeling, your body, mind and heart will lighten from the weight that you held from carrying it inside.. It’s always good to talk. Sharing really is caring and a problem shared really is a problem halved. In looking at talking it out and ‘listening actively’ as well, I think two factors for me keep appearing. This is just from my own life experience but I think it’s true for one and all:

1. Keep your circle tight. Keep good people around you. People who want the best for you. People who you can talk to when you are feeling low or down. Maybe something bad has happened and you don’t know how to manage it or you are feeling hurt or disappointed, can you think of someone who you know will show you compassion and offer you a listening ear without judgement…Someone who will really listen. Having good people or even just one person (one is all you need in this life) who will actively listen to you and help you work your way through anything that is bothering you, is the key to surviving, coping and in time, thriving again in this life.

   

   Thinking about life with one of my best friends recently on a trip to Germany was a reminder to me that it’s always good to think, talk, listen and of course laugh too x #messers

2. To know when you need to share. So for many of us, we will keep our problems bottled up for as long as we can possible cope with them, but often the key to not suffering inside our own minds is to share as these problems start to arise. So as we start to feel wobbly, to say to someone ‘I’m feeling a bit worried about….” or maybe a line like ‘i’m not feeling great these day’. Honesty about our feelings really helps our minds figure out the next best step. If we feel our feelings rather than denying them, it often creates space in the brain that otherwise will clog up with negative thoughts that might have been prevented if shared sooner. I find this the case in myself. If I allow myself to worry slowly about something, I often create a tension in my brain that seems to only lift when I share it out loud with someone I love. The minute I share it I can feel the fog lifting. It really is like a fog. You know when the sun starts to shine and the fog fades. In talking my worry or fears out with someone who I knows is really listening, I become stronger and free-er with every word I share. It might not change the problem itself but I promise you it will change how you feel about it and that is the key.

   

   The sun will always burn away that fog and beauty lies in that process too x

That is where strength is built. Inner strength is built in the moments we recognise that our heads and heart need help, need another to help keep us together and equally can recognise when someone else needs us too. The balancing act of being the healer and the helped. I think talking it out and having someone to listen to us as well as being able to offer that same space in return to another, is all we need in this world to get through anything bad that might happen us and those skills are the key to life. Also it’s equally as important when we have good news to be able to share that too. To celebrate with someone who knows what it means to us or who wants to celebrate us is so important. I guess that’s why birthday’s were made a thing, to celebrate us reinforces that we matter. That we matter in this world. That we matter to others. That we matter to someone. And at the end of the day, if you are the CEO of google or you are a writer like me just chipping away at their screen, we all have problems and we all have joys too. But the most important thing we need is friends. A circle of people who matter to us. And a circle of people who we matter to. A person who you can turn to and talk to. A person who you can trust with your worries and your joys. Carl Rogers was right, the gift in listening is not just for the teller but also the listener. You have just listened to me today and I can tell you, it has not only given me great joy but it has also given me great strength and I hope somewhere within this letter you too have found joy and strength too. And there lies the theory of MR. Carl Rogers, one of my most favourite thinkers of all time. Keep thinking substack family Keep talking. Keep listening. Keep being you. And I’ll keep being me.

Love and light always to you,

Your biggest believer,

Lou x