Dear friends,
Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to write a well thought out, well carved out letter to you and then that slows me down from checking in. So today I decided I am just going to write to you from my heart because that is always the right way to write to a friend.
I hope life is being good to you and life is gently moving from summer to Autumn. There has been a beautiful week of late Summer sun here in Ireland and it really has helped us all look up and smile. As a wise Irish lady said yesterday, “It’s been lovely to feel that heat in our bones and so late in the year too. What a lovely surprise.”
In Ireland, weather is something we talk about a lot because it never really is consistent. It can have its good runs but overall, you never really know what you are going to get and after forty years of living here, I’m very much ok with that. IF anything I’ve learned that it makes me a stronger, more resilient person inside. See the weather plays a huge influencial environmental factor in how our minds/our brains/our feelings respond as it is one of the first things our eyes see each day. In whatever way it shows up, it pushes us instantly to use the power of our individual mindset & thought and forces us to shift from not only accepting things not as we want them but most importantly offers us the opportunity to look for the good, the silver lining so to speak, especially when the odds are against that thought. Of course this is a very individual thing and as I’ve learned over the years, no two people are the same and it takes a a lot of inner work to be able to look for the good when the darkness of any kind shows without effort.
And yes the long dark winter can be tough on the mind but really I no longer look at it in the that way. Instead I say to myself, once I am well and healthy every day I wake and I am able to see the sky, the weather, mother nature at work, I will choose to happily live alongside it. I’m more than ok about the seasons changing. If anything, I have finally fully accepted that not only will the seasons change in the wild open natural world in which I live, but my life will change and a lot of it I will not be in control. I also recognise that the beautiful trees, the in flight bird, the green peatlands, the smiling wildflowers, the soft clouds, the warming sun, the resilient moon and the sparkling stars were here before I was even born and they will be here long after I am gone. See we look at the season that are changing but actually it’s not them that are changing at all. It is us! They are remaining true to who they are and are not actually changing at all. We are the ones who need to lean inwards and review what needs to be changed within ourselves. Are we serving the greater good in our actions, behaviours and choices each days. What will we bring to this next season ahead? What can we change going forward that will bring a greater Lou to the table of life? We are the ones, as individuals, who need to accept what is outward is constant and secure. What is inside us is where the opportunity of change lies….We are the ones who need to make the best of every moment we get to live, breathe and witness this beautiful world as no matter how much we deny it, our time on this earth, is limited and fragile.
As I get older, day by day that is, I count my blessings every morning. Ok some mornings I am slow and short of vibrancy (and have not had enough tea or sleep - you know yourself) but most mornings as my body and brain start to warm up, I try my best to keep the big picture in view no matter how the small picture pushes in on me.
At this time of the year as the fourth quarter of 2024 begins (IYKYK) - chants, cheerleading and whistles are being silently blown all across the world. As an added reminder my birthday is peeping its head up this coming week too, which puts the year into another perspective. It is in this moment, that I like to spend some quality time reflecting deeply, reminding myself how lucky I am to be alive and well. To have a body that is healthy and strong that allows me to move, love and be part of this wild wild world - it truly is a blessing to be alive and well each day when so many people are ill, bed bound and in hospital and cannot have what I have. At this time of the year as each leaf starts to loosen its grip on the branch it’s been holding so tightly onto, I turn inwards to look outwards with a clearer view on what and who I am in the world. I am someone who resets and reframes situations as often and as best as I can when obstacles and hard times push against me.
And it is in the light of this morning sun rising at my window, I count myself lucky to be able to see the sun starting a new day as am I. I’m lucky to be able to find the light no matter what darkness falls and I must at all times look for the opportunities to learn more about myself and to try my best to improve who am I in this ever chaotic, yet ever beautiful world. Not forgetting how lucky I am to have a coat to put on my shoulders if the wild winds of change blow and the rain beats upon my face.
Often we hear of how happy people are, how brilliantly their life is going and how ‘perfect’ things seem to be or at least how they present them to be, but I can promise you, at all times here, I try my best to share all shades and seasons of who I am. When the rain beats against my skin, when my smile fades to a sigh and when my head dips, I too feel like you. I feel less. I feel alone. I feel unsure. I feel lost but no matter what unfolds I refuse to give into those moments of uncertainty and dismay. I will not give my power to darkness and doubt. I refuse with all my mite to give in, to give up and instead I hold on, I hold tight, and I hold until the story turns and all comes back on track beginning as a glimmer of the sun rising light breaking through the trees at dawn. It’s only small at the start but it grows.
I accept these tough parts because these are the seasons in which we can and will change and transform inside ourselves sometimes without permission, sometimes with. Nobody escapes the darkness no matter what kind of show they perform, no matter what kind of house they live in, car they drive or job they have.
The hard parts of this life are a test for us all to see what is really inside of us. They push us to see how we’ll react. How we’ll respond. How we’ll change to the season inside of ourselves. Are we really willing to change?
Will I hold on like the leaf in summer and am I really open to letting go in Autumn? The only way to find out if I’m truly learning about living a full and peaceful life is to face the battles that life hands us. To not run from them but to face them. And as this year progresses I continue to learn so much about myself and about others too. I peel away parts of me when still carrying doubt and wobble yet risking it to move forward clearing, lighting, fairer. Both those processes of holding on and letting go - forever human and real. I wouldn’t want it any other way even though somedays I don’t say that nor do I feel that.
Life is a full on exploration of who we are inside. The outside world, nature, the sky, the trees, the seasons all just witnesses to who we are becoming. And this is why I love leaning in and looking up. I know I am not alone. I know the world that was here before me and that same world will be here after me, looks on in wonder at each of us. What are we truly bringing to this time we have been giving on earth? Are we serving our life’s purpose? Are we answering the call to be the best version of ourselves? Are we changing the parts of us that need to be changed or are we holding tight to structures in our minds that signalled ‘this is just who I am’? Am I holding my value system in line with how I expect others to live? Am I too hard or too soft? Am I checking in with myself to place love, compassion and thanks to my inner self while reflecting gently on part that need improving?
This last nine months have probably been the toughest nine of my lifetime. Sleeping on a fold up bed for three years, losing gran, losing dad, losing so many friends and family to cancers, suicides and the list go on have been very hard personal tests on my heart previous to this moment but the last nine months of stepping back from what I love to take care of the people I love was what this year has asked of me and even though I wouldn't be anywhere else, it has been the test of all tests for the natural ever optimist that I so often am. The light has been harder to find but I have not given up.
It was a call from way above the moon and the starlit sky of Christmas night last year that signalled I was needed in a different role in my life for 2024 and that very move of stepping close to those I love was going to take bravery, resilience and tlc of a kind only I can deliver… My heart loves so intensely that if I am needed, I will always step towards those I love. I live my life with no regrets only an attitude of service to my vocation of taking care and healing where and who I can. I know this might not be for everyone but what I’ve learned this year is that there are an awful lot of people who just need our hand to hold or our arm around their shoulder. And someday somewhere I will need that hand or shoulder and to know I’ve done my best to help when I can is my life’s purpose.
For me, my joy sits in being well and healthy to be able to see the sun rise and set. To talk to the moon at night. To take photographs, thousands of photographs of everything & everyone I love. To sit with and in nature and just be. To pray. To light candles. To write. To talk. To hold space. To look up and around. To listen endlessly to my favourite music. To sit with my best friends and have tea, chats, laughs and even tears. To love my family as much as I can and to take care of my friends in the only way I know. To be where I can be when I can be there and when I’m not there, they can feel me there because when I’m there, I’m really there and when I’m not, i’m still kind of there.
The last nine months has been an awakening of sorts. Not the kind of one I would ever want to experience but it has taught me a lot and still is.
It has taught me:
That no matter how much we love people, they can lost their way.
They can lose their way to a point that there is no return unless they choose it.
People you once loved can hurt you beyond measure or belief
You think and feel you will never recover from this hurt, loss, grief or heartbreak but I hope one day you and I will.
No matter how much you want someone to see a way back to the light, there comes a point where you cannot carry them out of the dark. They must choose their path themselves.
Accepting that family, friends or someone you love can hurt the ones that gave them the most is something I will never understand.
Forgiving people who hurt you is a lot harder than wanting to forgive someone.
Looking at ourselves is so important as you travel through darkness. Your reactions, your behaviour, your words all part of the uncovering of your strengths and weaknesses and even through darkness, lessons can be invaluable for future hard times.
Sometimes people will never understand your view point and that is ok.
Sometimes people are so stuck in a limiting self belief system that there is only one person who can untie their critical heart and destructive minds - themselves.
I will never ever give up that there is always another way even if it seems there is not.
I will forever be disappointed by the legal system, the state bodies that are there to protect people and the lack of accountability being upheld in this country.
I will never ever stop believing in the goodness of people and the support that can come from people and places you never expect.
Prayer, looking up at the sky and just hoping, wishing, wanting things to be better for someone who is going through something heavy is something you can place a value on. The smallest act can mean so much. If you want to do something for someone, light a candle. That act is beyond magical.
Trying to process while you are going through something heavy is a good way to go through something if you can at all. The tea pot is your friend. Make tea for yourself. Make tea for someone else. Make tea and chat. That is where the therapy is.
Breaking things down bit by bits can make a big problem not seem as big.
End your day with the motto - that you did you best - and tomorrow is indeed another new day. Leave today in today and begin tomorrow when tomorrow arrives.
You are doing your best. And once you are doing your best. That is all you can do and it is always enough.
If today you let words of anger or frustration out of your mouth, reflect on why do you think that was. Are you tired? Are you eating well? Are you talking to your friends or loved ones enough? Are you too close to something? do you need a change or scene or do you need a walk by the lakes? Anytime I let myself down, I can always find a root issue and it’s usually one of the above. Sometimes it’s just that the heavy cross just got too heavy and that slip of shadow was just me asking for help. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are human. Forgive yourself and forgive others. And then on we go.
Finally, be kind to yourself even if someone els is not. As I always say, hurt people hurt people. If someone is not being nice or you, you must cut away from that person. Staying in that situation, you are allowing them to let you drown. Before you can be anything to them, they need to work on themselves, become aware of their darkness and then only then can they be part of your world. Do not be afraid to walk away from someone who does not deserve your heart, your love, your friendship or your loyalty.
So as the seasons of the year change and as we shift into the fourth quarter, what is it that you want to review inside yourself? What is it that you want to embrace more? Don’t forget by building an inner resilience and strength, the day the darkness comes, it won’t be less dark but you might just be able to respond that tiny bit better than you did the last time. And don’t forget the stars, the moon and the sun and all of this world around us is witness to us. Nature is itself and it doesn’t get tangled in its weaknesses. Instead it embraces those parts and grows and blooms and brightens our lives in ways only nature can. It shows us that no matter how dark it gets, and in the words of Percy Shelley, “If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?"
Keep going. Keep changing. Keep steady. Keep consistent. Keep moving. Keep stopping. Keep leaning in. Keep looking up.
Thanks a million for reading all the way down here,
Your friend,
Lou x
**Please feel free to subscribe to my writing home or leave a comment to let me know you are here x
PS. I look wrecked in this video because I am wrecked ;) but I couldn’t not send my words out after I had written them for you. I hope they give you comfort from my heart to yours x
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